Dads: we know them, we love them, and we just want them to stop making weird punny jokes all the time so we can eat dinner in peace. They're up early on Sunday morning to mow the lawn in their crisp New Balance shoes and maybe change the oil in your car because that hasn't been done in three days and it's really been eating away at their soul.
These hilarious tweets really sum up the mythological creature that is a "dad." If you relate to any of these you definitely have met a dad, are a dad, or are turning into one. You'll know the transformation is complete when you refuse to turn on the AC in July.
And He Said, "Let There Be Low Hydro Bills This Month"
This is the spinoff we've all had the pleasure of seeing. Don't even think about leaving a room and keeping the light on because the walking dad will come for you if you do. The only thing that can stop him is the promise that switching to LEDs can lower energy costs.
Dads Don't Rest When There Are Heating Bills On The Line
Dads will literally stop at nothing to defend the territory that is the thermostat. They will rise from the dead, come out of the coma, and run through several gauntlets to make sure you don't mess with their delicately constructed heating bill.
The Obligatory Fashion Show
If he didn't comment something like "nice color" or "how much did you pay for that" then it wasn't a real one. The dad grunt is a five-star rating for whatever shirt you're wearing.
How Dare You Call After 6 PM
It really and truly is. He's got a sixth sense for knowing whether it's a telemarketer, a buddy of his, or work. Even though he's fully given them all his number he's still affronted when they actually disturb his peace and tranquility during his after-work couch sessions.
Can't Relate To Hollywood Hogan's Lifestyle
Imagine being so rich that you've got the budget of Hogan to spend that much money on shirts every month. That guy is ripping them off and burning through his shirt budget and really losing touch with his dad fans.
The Dad Friend Index Never Forgets
Dads have a memory of an elephant for the kids you used to have joint birthday parties with at the YMCA when you were six. But the people you've been friends with for years throughout college? He calls them "what'shernameone" and "what'shisfacetwo."
Dads And Their Home Depot Haul
Dads will get really into their Home Depot hauls like nothing else. That bright orange sign is like a beacon for them to flock towards like moths to a flame, and you bet they're showing you the new brass hardware they bought for the drawers after.
Hacks To Prevent Getting Woken Up At Midnight
This is the length a dad has to go to get some shut-eye around here. He's willing to scare the absolute living daylights out of his kid, his partner, and the dog that sleeps with them just to get a few REMs. A true hero.
Dad Speak Is On A Whole Other Level
Close enough. This is a dad trying to show interest in one of the things that his kids like and I support that. You go Hailey Porter, slay that nasty Baltimore with your magic wood stick.
Fine Dining Dad-Style
This man set this up right for the exact kind of meal he's dreaming they're having. He doesn't want to be potentially responsible for the dishes so they're going styrofoam tonight, and he's dreaming of a nice ribeye, so the steak knife comes out so he can manifest that dream.
Eat, Get Little Sleep, Reduce Chaos, Repeat
Being a dad is equal parts being the center of chaos yourself and trying your hardest to just make everything normal and functioning. You'll never get that balance. Not as long as the kids keep leaving lights on in the rooms they're not using.
*Sounds Of Grilling Intensify*
Some say that if you speak loudly enough into the wind that a dad will hear and come running to offer you advice on a myriad of stuff that you're doing wrong around the house. Whether it's grilling techniques, car service, or bank stuff, he's there to be as helpful as a quick Google search.
Dad Pettiness Is Out Of This World
This dad is petty and doesn't care who knows it. He's prepared to keep up this Grand Budapest Hotel charade until you're questioning your sense of reality. Hot towel for the honored guest?
Physical Affection < A Crisp High Five
Just try giving your dad a hug and that guy stiffens up like a two-by-four. He's got a personal space bubble around him that's only broken by high-fives, pats on the back, and "got your nose" movements.
Dad Jokes: Always And Never At The Right Time
You can tell a dad that it's neither the time nor place to tell a dad joke, but that guy won't listen unless... a Demon is possessing you? Well, get ready to hear the zinger he's got up his sleeve involving the word "boo."
A Dad's Greatest Weakness
This is a flawless plan. No dad can resist the lure of a cordless battery-operated power drill and a crisp bevy to sip while grilling some T-bones. This trap is one for the books and the charcoal grill manuals.
Just So We're Clear Who Santa Is
No, dad is as shocked as you. Mom went out to the mall a month before to hit those Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales for you while he was indulging in a hearty weekend of doing projects around the house. Both are noble quests, don't get me wrong.
It's A Dad's Duty To Keep His Kids Informed
He's telling a little lie, but hey, this is going to keep his kids from ever complaining about what Santa got them again. Once they see the kind of monster Santa is, well... they'll be happy with anything.
Asking The Real Questions
This is a true statement that has really rocked my world and the way I've been going through life. Father figure is an inspiring term, made of strength, responsibility, and a lot of Natty Light.
Dads Have Fashion Freedom
You literally can wear whatever you want as a dad and nobody can say anything. You're mowing the lawn at 6 am, dropping kids off at the pool at 8 am, and running to an 11 am tee time—you are busy and your all-terrain, button-down and khaki shorts show that.
The Calm Before A Weed Storm
Peace and tranquility is a freshly mowed lawn in the morning. Those lines that cross beautifully over the green surface, and those crisp sidewalk edges just bring a tear to any dad's eye.
How To Spot A Cool Cucumber
Only cool dads drive with one hand on the wheel and a thermos in the cupholder too. You can spot him from a mile away from the yellowy glint of his polarized driving sunglasses.
Always A Wealth Of Outdated Advice
This advice is right up there with "go hit the pavement and hand out your resumes." It's sweet that our dads think that this is a sound way to operate, but the world is very different and we are very much the stupid that he tells us not to do.
Centipedes Get Growing Pains Too
If this joke isn't the best dad joke out there, I'm eating my words. This centipede dad is out here working hard and trying to provide for his kids' many, many, many, shoe needs. Godspeed.
If It's Not A Golf Buddy He's Gonna Need A Name, A Face, And A Place Of Business
This is exactly how every dad starts the line of questioning after you mention one name to him that he hasn't heard in like twenty minutes. He's got a short term dad memory and he's not afraid to use it to interrupt every part of your story.
There Are Two Types Of Kids
Let's just say this kid genuinely wants other kids to win. They're kind, giving, and definitely causing their parent to feel like a winner financially and possibly giving them a few extra grey hairs.
Baby Or Charcuterie Board
Well, at least she knows that you're bonding with the kid. Maybe not in the way that's normal or really accepted anywhere, but she knows that you're trying and that's the main thing.
How To Have Fun As A Parent
Is this why our dads just walk around the house fixing things on a constant loop and painting and repainting walls? Maybe it's their version of a game where the only winner is them when it's time to resell the house.
Kids Bring The Fun And The Seizures
Get ready to party if you've got light sensitivity. This household is like a club in Ibiza that just won't quit no matter what time it is. Actually, past 9 pm is probably where this dad draws the line.
Siblings Not Twins
Left brain and right brain over here. These kids are working hard to really defy expectations and show that different kinds of people can exist everywhere. Even though they come from the same family, they couldn't be more different.