Dads Sum Up Fatherhood In These Hilarious Tweets
One of the most important things that will help any parent survive is having a sense of humor. If you can't laugh about the fact that your kid just blew an accidental snot bubble in front of their principal, then you're doomed.
These funny dads know that comedy is the spice of life when it comes to dealing with the ups and downs of parenting, and thankfully, they shared it on Twitter for all of us to appreciate. There's a good chance you'll see yourself staring back through these hilarious Tweets about fatherhood.
They're Pretty Smart When They Want To Be
It's truly incredible what a kid can do when they have the right incentive. Nearly every parent would agree that their child can expertly navigate through every piece of technology in the house, yet still struggle to get a full spoonful of spaghetti in their mouth without making a mess.
Technology has even allowed a three-year-old to figure out how to shoot another video game character from 150 feet away but they still miss the toilet when peeing.
What's The Big Deal?
Oh, so you thought the hardest part of raising a child was going to be the diaper changing and sleepless nights? Wrong. The hardest part is trying to think up a new song to sing that isn't "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" or "The Itsy Bitsy Spider."
Then, even when you do get a new song like "Baby Shark" you have to sing it on repeat so much that you're practically begging for the Itsy Bitsy Spider to make its way up the water spout.
You And Me Both, Kid
We've never related so much to a six-year-old as we do with this one who can't possibly imagine waking up every Monday for the rest of their life. Every adult thinks about this but never actually says it, and certainly never actually follows through with it.
It makes you appreciate Tom Hanks' character in Big a little more now. Just imagine waking up with the shock of having a job and a bunch of actual responsibilities.
Why Does Every Kid Bruise Like A Peach?
There are two types of kids in the world. The first kind will slightly brush a soft pillow with their arm and end up covered in 13 different bruises. The other kind can fall off a soccer post, break their wrist, and keep playing without even realizing what happened.
Whether you kid is the first or the second kind, both will require a hospital-grade First Aid Kit on hand at all times and some popsicles to ease the crying.
Not The Fairy Tale You Expected
Every dad knows their daughter doesn't need to dress up like a princess to be treated like one. You'll bow down to her every whim and desire because that's just what dads do. It's almost as if something changes in your bones once you have a daughter.
It's just a special relationship that you could have never prepared for. It's almost as if overnight you've miraculously learned how to braid hair, sit properly while drinking fake tea, and paint nails.
It's Practically The Exact Same Thing
Newsflash: unless the restaurant has paper on the table for them to color on and serves exclusively chicken strips, it's going to be a bad time.
And please, for the love of God, make sure to avoid any restaurant with a fish tank. If not, you and your partner will end up taking turns eating while the other holds your kid up so they can press their face against the tank.
Mom Is The Most Intimidating Monster Out There
There's a certain number of trump cards that you can play as a dad. If your kid is not listening you can threaten them with not getting dessert. If they still don't listen then you can up the ante to include taking away their phone, television, or video games.
Then, if you're at the absolute last string, you bring out the Mom Card. You have to be careful though because if you overuse the Mom Card, the kids will start seeing through the act.
Welcome To The Real World
Surprise! Everything you're doing is now wrong. You're not putting the toilet paper on the right way, you didn't put the milk on the right shelf, and don't you dare ever leave that upstairs hallway light on again or you're a goner.
Being a dad isn't all criticism though. You get to excel in things like driving your kids to soccer practice or finding the missing screw head so you can fix the unused exercise bike downstairs. Your partner will praise you for those things.
Not The First Time A Nurse Has Witnessed That
We know this can be pretty embarrassing at first. You're holding your newborn child and the first thing you do is spill mustard on its forehead, but we promise you, that is not the first time that nurse has seen it and it certainly won't be the last.
Just accept the fact that you're part of the Dad Club now and that means never having more than one free hand to eat your dinner with.
The Celery Just Isn't Worth It
Questions like this appear innocent at first. It's just a young child trying to figure out how the world works and where you go for eight hours a day. Questions like this are hiding an existential crisis though.
At first, you think it's totally normal to answer the question with "salary," but then it's 3 a.m. and you're sitting up in bed wondering if celery would be a better motivator to get you to enjoy going to work.
It's Like Being On Trial Every Day Of Your Life
So, you thought all your own failings would just get swept under the rug now that you have a small human being to take care of? Well, you're fatally mistaken. As soon as that child becomes old enough to rat you out they'll do it without a shred of regret.
If it gets them out of being sent to their room for eating ice cream straight from the freezer, they're heartless. If they're going down, you're going down too.
This Might Actually Inspire Me To Eat Healthier
It may have taken 30 years and the creation of an entirely new human being, but this six-year-old has finally inspired the dads of the world to eat clean. All they had to do was equate salad with cake and it was like a switch flipped in everyone's brain.
Eating kale, spinach, and iceberg lettuce for lunch doesn't sound too bad now that you get to douse it with salad frosting and sprinkle on some flax seeds.
When One Kid Coughs There's No Stopping The Rest Of Them
Nothing says "wild summer weekend" more than watching your kid slowly develop a cold that will live on in their immune system for 8-12 months. It feels like children come out of the womb and immediately catch a cold that stays with them until they're a teenager.
That's because when you put a group of kids together in the same room, coughing becomes just as contagious as sneezing. On the bright side, your immune system will likely become invincible.
How Do You Childproof A Light Switch?
Childproofing the house doesn't change just because your kid is growing up and maturing. If anything, you need to increase your childproofing. Once they're tall enough to reach the light switch it means they're tall enough to dump out all the dog food and reach the secret top drawer of your dresser.
At this point, you should just get one of those cages that go over thermostats but put it over every light switch in the house.
Even Einstein Couldn't Figure This One Out
You can have a bachelors, masters, or doctoral degree and you probably still can't mathematically figure out the foot-to-flip-flop ratio that a toddler has. Any of the mathematicians who believe that there is always a solution to the chaos in our world has obviously never seen a child do a simple task (or my living room in general).
Just wait until they see how long it takes for a toddler to poke the plastic straw accurately in the juice box.
Being A Parent Means Developing Grade-A Listening Skills
It's very important to make sure that when you ask your five-year-old how their day was, that you've cleared a minimum of 20 minutes for the conversation. Of course, parents shouldn't be so busy that they have to schedule out time for their kids, but listening to a story will require your undivided attention.
There is absolutely no multitasking when your kid is telling a very elaborate story about how Marcus ate a worm at school.
With College-Level Sarcasm
"Have girls," they said. "They're so much easier than boys," they said. Well, what everyone fails to mention is that girls might be easier than boys at first, but they're much more expensive and they come with pre-determined levels or sarcasm. And, of course, when they turn 13 they'll hate you no matter what you do.
At that point, your best chance is laying low and let mom do all the talking until they're old enough to realize they'll always be daddy's little girl.
There Isn't Even A Place To Sit By The Fitting Rooms
Being a dad becomes ten times harder once your kid reaches the age when they want to go shopping and pick out clothes on their own. Life was so easy when you could just come home with four different t-shirts from Old Navy and call it a day.
Now they want to have the latest trends and look like the other kids in school. That means your life is now waiting outside fitting room doors and spending $100 on a single shirt.
This Is Your Life Now
You might think that you'll gain back more of your social life once you kid gets a bit older, but you're sorely mistaken. The worst years for your social life are when your kid is between 12 and 16.
That's because they want to do extracurricular activities and hang out with their friends, but they still require a ride everywhere and will occasionally need supervision. For those four years, your social life is sitting in your car waiting for them to text you saying "I'm ready to go."
Admit It, We've All Done It
It's okay, you're not a bad parent if you choose to drown out the sound of your kids because one of your favorite songs just came on. The only time this is questionable is if you turn up a song you knowingly hate just to drown out the noise.
We all know you don't actually want to hear Taylor Swift's new single. At that point, just listen to your kid talk about the cartwheels they did and accept it.
Well, What Else Do You Want?
Hey, you're not a bad parent if you order pizza a lot. When you're pouring all your energy into making sure that your kids don't mortally wound each other with toys, you have little energy to cook at the end of the day. Pizza is just easy. And who doesn't like pizza?
You and your family all need to eat. But you also don't need to cook every night. But maybe order some Chinese instead of Domino's one night?
It's Not Very Realistic
Who are Disney princesses made for? Young girls. What do they represent? Adult girls. If the world's daughters were more like Disney princesses, they would act just like this Tweet. On top of that, they'd watch their own Disney movies, within the Disney movie.
A father's dream is that his daughter will grow up to be as eloquent and sophisticated as a Disney princesses. And little girls hold this dream as well. But honestly, aren't daughters already beautiful princesses?
A Dad's Patience Is Thick, But Not That Thick
As a parent, your patience seems tough as nails. But the people who really know you understand that you're hanging by a thread on some days. Kids have a way of getting on your nerves no matter much time you spend meditating before they get up.
And people wonder why parents get mad at their kids. But loving parents appreciate their children all the same, and wouldn't trade them for the world. Just make sure that your kid isn't sawing at you too vigorously.
Teachers Are Your Kid's Substitute Parent
Teachers don't get enough credit for all the shenanigans they have to put up with. If you think about it, they have to teach your child along with thirty other kids all day long. You think being a parent to a couple of kids is exhausting? Try at least 20 of them.
Parenting might be hard, but at least you don't have to teach your kid math. If you do, our deepest condolences. We don't even remember the last math class we took.
It's Never Bedtime When It's Bedtime
Ah, bedtime. The final challenge of a parent's day, and one of the hardest. Kids quickly learn how much they can get away with, especially when they suddenly experience that late-night burst of energy. How much time can you negotiate? Ten minutes? Twenty? Maybe another hour?
The parent-child negotiation begins early, during the bedtime story phase. Just one more story, okay? And then another. And then another. Suddenly, you're up an hour later than you thought you would be. In a way, it's no surprise that kids barter for later bedtimes.
This Life Is Very Sleep-Deprived
The glory (and curse) of being a parent is understanding how little time you have, but at the same time, being willing to do it all over again. That doesn't mean that you can't miss sleeping in until noon. Every parent is sleep deprived in some way.
Sometimes, the lack of sleep can make parents think "What am I doing with my life?" This tweet embodies that energy. It's the mindset of, "I don't want to give this life up...but do I?"
Their Presents Aren't The Same, Are They?
If only supplying Christmas presents were that easy. Kids draw something, and it ends up on the fridge. Parents give their children a toy, and it ends up far back in the closet. Parenting is all about more giving and less receiving in the gift department.
If buying Christmas gifts were this easy, imagine how much smoother dad life would be. Instead, you'll be buying an Xbox or dollhouse or bicycle this year. At least your child's picture will be a heartwarming piece of memorabilia far into the future.
The Math Adds Up
Contrary to popular belief, the math adds up here. Because fathers are always working above 100%, they ascend to 170% on any given beach day. In most cases, being a dad is doing all of these things at the same time.
"Have the kids put on sunscreen? Check. Wait, do they need it again? And hand on, I still need to make sure they're not drowning. Also, I need to get ice cream soon." That's an accurate depiction of a father's thought process during a vacation.
Anything For The New Game
Parents want to be the beacon of good behavior for their kids. Of course, they can't endorse texting during class...unless the new Call of Duty game comes out. If it's a father-son bonding activity, you can interrupt class all you want.
This dad has his priorities straight, and his priorities involve some quality game time after school. Or better yet, continuing with the game while his kid is stuck in class. If you're going to spend the money of a AAA game, you'll want to get the most use out of it, right?
The Parenting Situation Won't Change Anytime Soon
Ah, social life. Going out to drinks used to be a commonplace luxury before becoming a parent. On the bright side, if your friends are still inviting you out for drinks, they haven't forgotten you yet. Wait until your social circle becomes only other dads.
And it's not like your child suddenly disappeared between last month and this month. Some old college buddies might forget that you're a parent. Be the wiser friend and tell them to cherish their outings while they can still go on them.
Glitter Never Goes Away
Once you have touched glitter, it never leaves. Your kid could mess with glitter for an hour, and you'll find it on your shorts five years later. You'll carry glitter to your coffin after touching it once on the way to school. That's the sparkly curse that parents must live with.
If you've never dealt with glitter, it may not seem like that big of a deal. But parents know. They will never forget the iridescent horror that was a first grade art project seven years ago.
What The Cargo Shorts Are Really For
Plenty of people poke fun at the "dad shorts." But there's a reason that parents like to wear them. What if they need a protein bar, or their kid's lucky nickel? These items could come in handy, and most fathers have already encountered situations where they have.
In this case, the "dad shorts" joke is based on a painful reality. If you've managed to float through parenthood with empty pockets, you're one of the lucky ones. Most dads have at least two or three pairs of cargo shorts on hand.
What Don't Dads Apologize For?
What's a more self-conscious feeling than being a father? When you're suddenly surrounded by family 24/7, you have to accept that the strangest things might bother your roommates. Sorry, but you can't blow your nose in any other way.
On the other hand, as a dad, you now have to handle how your kids blow their noses. Maybe one of them blows their nose like you do. If that happens, pray for your own child's future marriage.
Who's The Boss Now?
Any father reading this won't even question how the toddler hurt herself on an animal cracker. If there's a way to be wounded by something, kids will find it. Even if there isn't a possibility of hurting yourself on something, children will invent a way.
Even so, kids will still manage to have meltdowns and fits. At that age, they feel like they know everything. And they must know a lot if they understand how to possibly hurt themselves on an animal cracker.
Are Kids Smart Or Not Smart?
On the one hand, kids are uncanny geniuses. They sometimes make profound statements that will keep you up late at night. On the other hand, you literally have to teach them how to chew. It's a flip of the coin whether your child acts like Einstein or someone without a brain.
This is why it's impossible to compare children's "brilliance" against each other. All kids are both intelligent and still learning. That's where responsible parents come in. They get to embrace both sides of their young one.
Fathers Are On Their Kid's Schedule Now
As soon as a child is born, their potty schedule is now your schedule. Whether you get your gym time is entirely dependent on when your kid needs to poop. It's a cycle that single couples would never anticipate having to follow.
And when you have more than one child in the mix, these schedules conflict. Parents have to be the most flexible schedulers on earth. They never know when an accident will happen, even if they've successfully predicted it 4,000 times before.
If You Think About It, Dads Are Just Napkins
Well, who else is going to clean up the toddler's mouth? When it comes to kid, no napkin is sturdy enough. You could buy those night reusable napkins made of silk and still not have a sturdy enough material for a child's mouth. That's where dads come in.
It's always funny to see a complex topic like parenting narrowed in such a strangely specific way. Especially when that description is so relatable. Is this a painful truth? Yes. But a necessary one? Maybe, but at least it's hilarious.
The Worst Game Of Parenthood
A lot of people underestimate how messy parenting can be. All parents' houses look like a tornado whirled through at some point in time. And until your kids are old enough to clean up, you have to do the dirty work.
And that brown smudge in the corner--that could be anything. Are you ready to learn what it is? Are you really ready? Young parents might hesitate, but veteran parents feel no pain anymore. They are completely desensitized to whatever messes their kids may produce.
Band-Aids Somehow Travel Through Space And Time
Where will your child's missing band-aid end up this time? In the bed? The swimming pool? The pasta sauce? Those unsanitary, sticky bothers can teleport just about anywhere. Best of luck to you if you find one in a shower drain or still-full bathtub.
This is why band-aids come in such large packages. If you need to cover a sore for three days, you can expect to use at least 20 band-aids. When they need to stay on, they're not sticky enough. And when you have to rip them off, they're too sticky.
Oh, The Random Facts You'll Know
With kids, major facts of life like having a consistent sleep schedule seem unimportant. But Donald Duck's birthday: that's important. And children will make sure that their parents know it, too. It wouldn't be surprising if this dad had to celebrate Donald's birthday as well.
How many random Disney facts to fathers know? Likely too many to count. They've probably memorized all the songs, too, even if they won't sing them out loud. Face it: becoming a Disney fan is an inevitable product of becoming a parent.
