Having kids, buying a house, or starting a 401K might seem like the passage into adulthood, but we all know the real milestone is getting a Costco membership. It signifies that you are finally prepared to buy a gallon of mustard with the utmost confidence.
Any couple with a Costco membership understands the pros and cons of shopping at the bulk warehouse though. Yes, you get free samples and those $1.50 hot dogs are unbeatable. But you also end up spending $500 and getting into a fight basically every time you go. Other people shared their Costco woes on Twitter and they’re as relatable as it gets.
Costco Chaos > Kid-Fueled Chaos
You know things are bad when you consider a trip to Costco “relaxing.” Costco might have endless crowds, a confusing maze of products, and the most annoying people on earth, but at least they have a staff that cleans up juice spills.
If Costco ever decided to install children daycare facilities on-site, similar to what IKEA does, it would be a complete game changer. If you don’t have to worry about dragging your kid around, think of how much more money you could spend.
“We Both Get To Choose ONE Fun Thing”
If you’re not getting in at least one fight while at Costco then you’re not doing it right. Whether that fight is with your significant other or with another customer, well, that’s up to you.
The most common reason to get in an under-your-breath argument is that one of you is saying the other can’t get an item. That’s why it’s best to go into your Costco trip with the rule that you can each choose one thing that’s not on the list.
Costco Is Just The Pregame For Disney
You might not realize it right now, but Costco is just a stepping stone for more adult experiences. Once you’ve mastered waiting in the 40-minute checkout line at Costco you’ll level up to the 1-hour line at the local county fair’s rollercoaster.
Once you’ve managed to make a bag of cotton candy last more than an hour, then you can reach the final level where you go to Disneyland. By this time, Space Mountain will be a breeze.
Splurge On The Hot Dog Combo This Time
They say that romance can wax and wane throughout a marriage. It isn’t always easy to keep the spark alive when half your time is spent talking about the bowel movements of three children under the age of ten.
Sometimes it’s the small things that can make a difference when you’re a parent. Maybe a hot dog and sharing a quiet moment in the midst of the Costco chaos is actually a pretty sweet gesture.
This Is Game-Changing Research
There’s no scientific research behind this groundbreaking statement and that’s why we should be funding it. Imagine a world where you could just discount all the calories from Costco samples. You’re walking around and around a warehouse anyway, so you’re probably burning a significant portion of those so-called calories.
If this research was true then you could basically have a 17-course dinner every single night. You might end up being banned from your local Costco, but hey, it would be totally worth it.
Life Truly Isn’t Fair
We thought your husband or wife is supposed to be your ultimate cheerleader in life. How can they be your #1 supporter if they don’t even let you take off a piece of the Costco rotisserie chicken and snack on it as you shop? You’re buying three of them anyways. What’s the big deal with one small bite?
Well, if we’ve learned anything from the woman who licked the Blue Bell ice cream, it’s probably best not to tamper with any consumer products.
Everything In The Store Is On The Opposite End Now
Taking your significant other to a different Costco might be a way to spice up a marriage, but it could also be a way to make them crumble with anxiety. One of the most important parts of any Costco trip is carefully mapping out each stop in the store.
For some reason, cities with more than one Costco always make each have a different layout. How can you have fun when the coffee section is on the other side of the warehouse?!
Only The Strong Survive In Costco
You can’t just walk into Costco willy nilly without having a dedicated game plan. The smartest Costco shoppers will have a detailed list prepared and have mentally mapped it out. It’s easy to get distracted by the 20-pack of white tube socks or the 2-pound tub of gummy worms, but you must persist.
If one of you does stray off track it’s okay. Just improvise, adapt, and overcome. If it works in the wilderness for Bear Grylls, it will work in Costco.
But That’s Better Than $609
Okay, okay, we understand how this can seem like a bad thing but we all know how easy it is to spend that much at Costco. After you’re done the regular $150 worth of groceries, then you have to grab winter coats for the entire gang, and the 10,000-thread count bed sheets were on sale so you grab a set for every one of your family members.
But don’t worry, because the 20-pack of toothbrushes was $2 off.
It’s Basically The Same Thing, Right?
We can’t all be Serena Williams and her husband, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try. While the rest of us would just head over to Olive Garden when we want Italian (where else can you feel like family?) she got to jet to Italy.
Well, jokes on them because that can hardly compare to the jumbo-sized hot dog and a perfectly steamed, slightly soggy bun that you can get for just a buck-fifty at Costco.
If She’s From Wisconsin, She’ll Love It
This sounds ridiculous but a good chunk of us can admit to buying a family member a Costco item as a gift. It works best when that family member doesn’t have a Costco membership. Then you look like a savior who has brought them the coveted 55-gallon of mayo that they have only dreamed about.
Usually, this tactic works best with kids though. Buy the bulk-sized package of granola bars and they’re as happy as can be.
This Could Mean Two Different Things
This actually isn’t as clear as you think. On the one hand, does this mean you’re a single 30-year-old man that finally bought a Costco membership just to save on all the Frank’s Red Hot Sauce that you buy?
Or does it mean you’re in a happily committed relationship of 20 years and you’ve finally just hit peak dad? The truly telling moment would be whether or not you have a dedicated space at home to keep your 48-pack of batteries.
Just When You Thought This Was A Free Country
America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, and Costco is an essential part of that. The bulk warehouse should be a place where you are free to go and buy a gallon of barbecue sauce and a treadmill at the same time without any judgment.
That’s because only a brave person would be able to look the cashier in the eyes with confidence during that purchase. Costco is an essential part of being American, and don’t let your wife take that away from you.
It’s All About Building Up Brownie Points
Marriage is about sacrifice. Often, you’re willing to sacrifice part of your happiness to make sure your partner is just as happy. Maybe that’s sleeping on the wrong side of the bed because they’re scared of being close to a door. Maybe it’s building a shed even though you have no handy skills whatsoever.
And maybe it’s giving them the better slice of Costco pizza because they’ll appreciate it more than you ever could. That’s what true love is.
If It’s On Sale…Why Not?
Yes, this might sound like an unreasonable request by this woman’s husband, but you have to respect the move. He can’t shoot his shot with women anymore but a bigger flatscreen television is the next best thing. And honestly, if there’s one that’s on for a really good sale…why not?
We get that televisions aren’t always a good impulse buy from Costco but at least it would get more use than the 18-in-1 home workout weight set you bought last month.
The Holidays Truly Change Costco Shoppers
There’s a well-known ranking to what days are best and worst to visit Costco. Tuesday and Wednesday nights are usually the least busy and would be the time when you can actually—dare we say it—browse.
In a normal week, Saturday and Sundays are the absolute worst times to go, but nothing compares to Costco on the weekend before Christmas. Be prepared to spend at least one hour just trying to get into the parking lot.
The Ol’ Costco Vs. Walmart Debate
We have to hand it to Walmart, they’ve been trying really hard to compete with Costco in recent years. They may not provide the same amount of bulk options but they definitely have lowered their prices to seem more enticing.
The only problem is Walmart still doesn’t give free samples. Unless you can snack on two free pita chips and hummus while I grab a bag of 500 limes, then what’s the point of leaving the house?
At What Age Do They Stop Doing The Little Smiley Face?
Going to Costco as a kid with your parents was incredible. You got to ride in the cart, sit on all the patio furniture like you owned it, and you had the honor of handing the receipt to the person at the exit. As a kid, they always drew a little smiley face or heart on the receipt just for the kids.
Then you grow up, become an adult with your own membership, and all they do is check it off and push you on your way.
Jokes On You, Because She Wants A Full Bedroom Set Now
So, you think you were being slick by restricting your wife’s Valentine’s Day gift to Costco? Well, jokes on you, because she can deplete your savings with a wishlist from Costco.
How about we start with a new television, four pairs of those ultra-cheap but ultra-comfy yoga pants, and a new backyard patio set? Don’t forget Costco always brings in pop-up jewelers for the holidays, so don’t think you’re exempt from picking up another diamond for your wife.
How Many Different BBQs Can He Choose From?!
Men claim to hate going to Costco but we all know they secretly love it. Sure, you act frustrated by the crowds, but every wife knows that if you can get them to the deli and bakery section with a balance of free samples, then suddenly Costco is like heaven on earth.
God forbid you let them get too far in though. If that build-your-own shed catches their eye then your child’s college fund is a goner.