Nobody said marriage was easy. Or if they did, they’re liars. It’s like when women who just gave birth tell expecting moms that it doesn’t actually hurt – we all know you’re lying.
Regardless of how much you love each other, there’s going to be some hard times. Something that can help though? Knowing you’re not the only one out there who feels like their wife expects them to read minds, or whose husband never seems to manage to buy everything he’s supposed to from the grocery store. It’s like he doesn’t even look at the list, right!?
This is an honest proposal right here. Who needs someone to promise to love and cherish them so long as they both shall live? That’s implied if you’re getting married, right?
What you do need though, is for your future wife to promise to always handle the Christmas shopping because you’re a terrible gift giver. And you need to promise her to always handle the kids’ lunches because she won’t remember to do it, but she also doesn’t want your future kids to starve.
Furniture shopping is like The Hunger Games of your marriage, as you’ll see in a bit.
Sorry I Forgot About Everything You Asked Me To Do
Okay, think back to when you were a kid. You’d hear your mom walk in the door but then, to your horror, you’d realize you never took the chicken out of the freezer that was supposed to be defrosted by now so that you’d have something to eat for dinner. That feeling never goes away once you’re married.
There will always be at least one thing that you’ll completely forget about until you see your wife standing in front of you, and by that point, it’s far too late to do anything about it.
The Leading Cause Of Divorce
Hide your crazy until after the wedding, am I right ladies? And gentlemen, in this case. It wasn’t until after you were married that he could take on the full role of poorly dressed husband/dad and now it’s too late to stop it, and escaping would be expensive and time-consuming.
So you’re stuck with a man who wears Crocs and socks along with those plaid shorts that he’s had since the 11th grade that you keep “accidentally throwing out.”
IKEA or The Hunger Games?
We’ve all seen episodes of a home reno show or House Hunters where you think, “there’s no way this couple will last if they can’t even do this.” Furniture shopping is just the real-life version of this, minus the cameras and people judging you from their couches at home.
Furniture shopping is not for the faint of heart. Only go to IKEA with someone you trust completely. Otherwise, it’ll be total chaos.
Bees Don’t Have Lungs
No matter how much they annoy you, no matter how many times you put the dishes away wrong, there’s a reason you’re married. Even if some days it’s hard to remember that reason. Maybe it’s because your husband yet again forgot to turn down the heat at night or your wife yet again forgot to put the laundry in the dryer so now you’re sockless at work.
They’re the person you can tell stupid facts to, and who you can always roll your eyes at when your kids are misbehaving. They’re your partner for life — you picked ’em for a reason!
You need to anticipate your wife’s needs, and sometimes what she needs is some of your food.
Your husband needs to know the level of unwell you’re feeling. Are we talking a) I’m sick but can still make a simple meal, b) I can put a frozen lasagna in the oven, or c) a repeat of the stomach flu of ’09 where the family ate nothing but take out for four days because your husband was in charge of dinner.
It stems from a place of love (and hunger). He just needs to know what to prepare for.
How To Save Your Marriage
How to Save your Marriage 101: Bigger comforters. If you have a queen-sized bed, buy a king-sized comforter. You have a king-sized bed? California King-sized comforter. Honestly, just buy a comforter the size of California and that will be perfect.
Or better yet, buy two comforters. It’s a fool-proof solution. No waking up in the middle of the night in November shivering because yet again your wife has taken all the blankets.
A Vacation For Everyone Involved
It’s not that she wants you to leave. You’ve got 30+ years of marriage still to go through, so you taking a business trip every now and then really isn’t the worst thing for either of you.
While you’re gone she’ll realize there’s a lot of spiders in the house that you need to kill. She’ll welcome you home with open arms! She just needs three to five business days to remember why she loves you in spite of the fact that you never turn the lights off when you leave a room.
Be A Mind Reader
What Keith clearly has yet to learn about marriage is that he needs to anticipate his wife’s needs.
Did she say she doesn’t want fries at dinner? Be prepared for her to eat some of yours off your plate. She said don’t buy any more ice cream because she’s trying to eat healthier, but you know she’s going to want some later tonight. Just buy a carton and put it in the freezer for her to stumble upon later.
The Price Is Right
Your partner doesn’t need to know the exact amount of everything you buy… Those brand new shoes you bought? They were a good deal! Those new workout shirts? A great deal.
Pro tip: just pick one or two prices and always say that’s how much items cost. How much was your haircut? $39.99. How much did you spend on beer? $19.99. How much did you spend at dinner with your friends last night? $39.99. This may not work for a new set of golf clubs, but it’ll cover a lot.
There are two sides to every story, and in marriage, there are two sides to every conversation.
The advantage of having children is that once they’re older, they can recall those conversations you have with your husband before he leaves for work about how you need him to please buy more Ziploc bags and children’s Tylenol. Then when he brings home tinfoil and Benadryl, claiming that’s what you asked him to buy, they can back you up!
The man may be the head, but the woman is the neck. She can turn the head any way she wants…
Like Father Like Son
The ultimate social experiment. You don’t even know it’s happening until you realize the lawn mower has been sitting in the backyard for 4 days and you’ve been silently waiting for your husband to move it for 3.5 days. Or maybe you’ve both been avoiding changing that garbage in the kitchen so now you’re stuck in a standoff where it’s become unusable because it’s packed full.
I mean, sure, you could just ask her to change the garbage and then the problem would be solved, but being passive-aggressive is far more fun right?
Pick Your Battles
When you become a wife, you develop the ability to find anything in your house, no matter how long someone else has been searching for it. It’s a sixth sense.
Never tell your wife you can’t find something unless you are absolutely positive you don’t have any more dish soap, or you’re going to be proven wrong. This can also work to your advantage if you’re running late for work and cannot find that suit jacket you need. You might get mocked for it, but at least you won’t be late.
The Cereal Test
There are a number of things that people say you should always do before you marry someone. You should travel with them, you should live with them, all that fun stuff that you’ll be doing for the rest of your life.
But the ultimate test of strength: listen to them eat a bowl of cereal or slurp a bowl of soup while you’re trying to watch The Bachelor. If you can handle that noise, get married tomorrow.
Your husband may be the head of your household, but that makes you the CEO, CFO, and Chairman of the Board. He’s just the face of the company, but behind the scenes, who’s really in charge?
Your wife wanted to get a dog, you thought it would be too much work and that you’d be the one doing all that work, so you put your foot down on this one. And what do you have now? Two dogs, because she couldn’t bear to separate a set of siblings.
Spice Up Your Life
Number one tip to bring the passion back into your marriage: the dishwasher discussion. Do cups go in the bottom or top section? Can that fancy set of steak knives someone bought you as a wedding present go in the dishwasher or should they be washed by hand?
This is a never-ending discussion too. Every time you buy that new set of glasses from IKEA or your wife buys new dishes for all those guests you’re supposedly going to entertain this summer now that you have the “right” plates, you get to have the heated debate all over again.
She’s Right, You’re Probably Wrong
That’s basically all marriage is — learning that there are very clear right and wrong ways to do things, and you’ve been doing them wrong your entire life.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve been successfully doing laundry since you were fifteen, time to learn the new and improved way. Oh, you’ve always stored the cleaning products in the cupboard above the washing machine? Well, that’s wrong, now they go below the counter in the downstairs bathroom.
War And Peace
Maybe at one point in your marriage, if your husband had fallen asleep while watching the baseball game you would’ve gently woken him up and told him to go upstairs to bed. But now you can see the true advantages of those catnaps.
You’re no longer blinded by love. You can see that your spouse falling asleep on the couch like they always do when you force them to watch reality TV with you is actually a good thing. That means no blanket hog, no snoring. All’s fair in love and war, right?
Marriage means loving your partner unconditionally and wanting them to be happy no matter what. You just want them to be happy alone if they’re not going to be with you. That’s fair, right?
She claims you’re the love of her life, so she wouldn’t want to move on anyway. You’re just doing her a favor by ensuring that never happens. Take a note from Chrissy and take the pressure off of her!
When you’re looking for the perfect spouse, make sure you find someone that completes you. It’s the person who loves to clean (a unicorn, basically) because you despise it or the person who always remembers when the kids’ field trips are, because otherwise, Tommy will not getting to go to that bee farm.
It’s also the person who always remembers when your mom’s birthday is and sends a present before you can even think about what day of the week it is. That’s your person.