We are truly living in the future folks because science is out here innovating for us parents. What science has created is a piece of armor built to withstand even the toughest child heels to the groin while still letting you pretend that you're not basically battle-ready at the park. Behold, the Fridaballs.
Fridaballs are basically your standard boxer briefs with a foam cup insert. They're the product that you probably wish you were wearing about 30 seconds after the blow. We all know hindsight is 20/20, but apparently it's also got a breathable foam insert and a child dangling from each arm.
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Designed For Balls-To-the-Wall Lineage Protection
The last thing you need when you're running around with your kids trying to be a good dad or whatever is a nagging fear that your lineage is going to end with one swift kick. All that flinching and ancestral melancholy really puts a damper on the afternoon.
Reclaim your sense of self and make Saturdays unclouded by your worry about protecting the family jewels by buying one of these. The underwear is designed with state of the art "heirloom conservation technology," aka a foam cup insert so you can feel protected while playing with your kids. Well, as much as you can I guess.
He, Is A Thing Of Beauty
If you're reading this and thinking that the underwear is going to look like that jockstrap your dad made you buy when you were 12 when you first started hockey that never actually felt or looked right and just got progressively worse over the years, think again. You're living in the future now and these aren't your nasty JV team accouterment.
The Fridaballs are designed to look like sporty-luxe boxer briefs with moisture-wicking material so you can feel dry and stylish while literally defeating a child's primary goal: to make you feel pain. Duh.
These Briefs Are Rated E For Everyone
Maybe you're thinking that these aren't for you since your kids aren't waist height and constantly swinging haymakers, but let me paint a picture for you. You're a new dad, you're helping out wearing one of those baby front-carrier harnesses, and said baby's heels are the perfect height to just curb stomp your crotch into oblivion. Don't you think you'd want a little peace of mind in that situation?
Whether your kids are 6 months-old or 16-years-old and pissed at you for not getting them the new Xbox, really just take no chances and pick up a pair of Fridaballs. You can wear them as your child grows and their stretchy waistband lets you grow with them too—since you're stress eating because you're always on alert.