Have kids they said. It won’t be that difficult they said. Well, they forgot to say that putting your goblins to bed only takes a pint of sacrificial goat’s blood, years off your life, and a portion of your soul. And we do it every single night because we’re lunatics and we have to.
Luckily, we’re not suffering alone. These parents took to Twitter to open up about the dumpster fire of their life that rages on past 8 pm when they try and tuck their kids in for the night. And it goes exactly how you expected—very poorly.
Convenient Time To Open Up
Of course, they choose now to start spilling their most intimate details. It’s the pro-stalling move that we’ve come to expect from them and makes us wonder if we should start putting them to bed at 4 pm when they get home so we won’t have to deal with it anymore.
No Amount Of Begging Ever Works
You could be laying on the floor with your head in your hands completely defeated and crying and your kids would still be sitting upright in bed telling you about today’s Paw Patrol episode. It’s the torture you signed up for.
Nothing Like A Little Foam Fire To Drive Back The Enemy
All out war is the only acceptable response to deal with toddlers that won’t stay put in bed. Nerf, pillows, and those stuffed bears they never let you touch are your first rounds of ammo in this fight you have little chance of winning.
Did Farmers Really Have Roosters To Wake Them Up Or Was It Just Toddlers?
Thank you seasons. Because of you, our kids have adopted an agricultural schedule and refuse to rise at regular times. Seasons also gives us four months of kids wearing dirty winter boots in the house, so there’s that to think about.
You’re Never Sure If You Should Call An Exorcist
You’ve seen enough movies to know for sure that if her stuffed animals are talking to her then they’re definitely possessed. But you’re also an adult and know she’s just got an active imagination…right? Right?
At Least They’re Consistent…
Guess what, it’s always at the crack of dawn because kids are tiny demons that seem to run on solar power and the stress wrinkles you get from being in their presence. Getting them eight hours of sleep is a pipe dream at this point.
Are We Above Scare Tactics? Absolutely Not
That’s right, moms rule the world because we’re always playing the heavy in every situation. What’s a scarier negotiation game than the good cop and the bad cop one? Try, dad and mom.
They’ve Got Driving Us Insane Down To An Exact Science
It’s funny how, most days, they don’t bother to put on socks that match, will carry around dead bugs in their pockets, and spend the first four years of their lives with strawberry jam covering their entire face, but they have this whole bedtime thing laid out perfectly. It’s like they’re only organized when they know it will destroy us.
We’re Just Practicing For Divine Punishment
You know that Satan will keep laying down for two minutes, getting back up, going to the bathroom, coming downstairs to see what you’re doing, and then repeating the cycle all over again as soon as you carry him back to bed. It’s eternally annoying and it happens every night.
It’s Crazy How They All Of A Sudden Start Dying Of Thirst The Minute You Tuck Them In
You better not mix the cup up because if you do they’re going to start crying their eyes out. God forbid you give that cup to their sibling either, or there’s going to be a battle royale in the bedroom.
Making Deals With The Devil
We will literally do anything to get them to quiet down for half an hour and just at least pretend to try and go to sleep. Anything. You want Mommy’s soul? Take it, you’ve already been chipping away at most of it anyway.
The Snack Cupboard Is Our Most Valuable Hostage
This is a huge power move and one that I would have zero shame in doing. Because honestly, you bought those Oreos so they’re yours by right and after them those Twinkies are definitely following.
They Can Sense Your Joy At 8:15
Kids have hollow legs for eating and for energy storage. It always seems like they’ve got a huge supply that they’ve accumulated at nap time in school that they’re willing to tap into just to break down your spirit for good once you were feeling a little hope.
Our Default Setting Is “Dead Tired”
Funny how our kids get how tired we are, and yet they continue to do stuff to make us more tired. It’s that empathy center of the brain that’s almost developed enough to almost care and it’s ruining our lives.
Your Entire Day Is Dedicated To Just Getting Them Ready For Bed
It’s never a simple process. First you have to feed them, then make sure they’ve brushed their teeth and done their business, put their pjs on, and then read to them like they’ve never heard you voice before. And it all takes what feels like a literal month.
Funny How The Whole Process Ages Us
Parents are basically the joker because we’ve always wanted to ask out kids if they really want to know where we got these wrinkles. Every time they cry about us not buying the “right” kind of spaghetti, those marks get a little deeper in our foreheads.
Stay Strong This Summer Parents
We get that teachers need a break from out kids, God knows we do, but summer basically feels like a punishment for the whole year we were getting comfortable with our kids being gone from 8-3. Those were the good old days…
It Just Never Ends
This is true because it really does not end. Ever. Don’t even think about trying to go downstairs and watch something interesting after you put them down because they’ll just sneak down to see what you’re doing like a moth drawn to a flame.
Let’s Face It, After You Put Them To Bed Your Soul Is Sucked Out Anyway
This makes sense because honestly, putting them to bed when all they want to do is scream and shout and watch endless hours of TV takes up all of our energy we had saved for the rest of the day. Looks like 8pm is the new midnight bedtime for us.
Perfect, A History Lesson At 9pm, Our Favorite
Where was this when we asked you about your day five hours ago when you came home from school? There should be a law about opening up right when we’re at our most desperate.
Get Your Steps In By Chasing Your Kids From The Bathroom To Their Bedroom
I get winded just thinking about shoving my kid’s individual legs into the foot pajamas I willingly bought them for Christmas. Why did I create this tight, squirmy, cotton-blend version of heck for myself?
Once You’re Done, You’re Down For The Count
Maybe all time travelers were just parents who passed out fully dressed wherever their kid ended up going to sleep and have no memory of the event. It would make all the sci-fi movies way more realistic.
Because Bedtime Makes All The Problems Go Away
Obviously, if there was a real problem we’d take them to the ER right away—that’s not up for debate. But if the “broken” arm really turns out to be a rugburn their friend gave them at school, we’d rather Dr. Sleep handle that case.
They Don’t Need To See Who We Become At Night…
I’ve begged my children to let me stuff Ben & Jerry’s into my face before, I’m not too proud to admit it. I can’t do it in front of them because they’ll make my snacks their snacks somehow, so really, waiting for the sweet release of bedtime is all I can do.
Bedtime Is Really An Excuse For Us To Watch The Good Stuff
Anything rated above an E for everyone is the reason we wait for the kids to go to bed. The only reason. You can’t go into work tomorrow again not knowing how Game of Thrones ended again and have nothing to talk about with your coworkers.
Productivity After? Good Luck With That
Pretty much the only thing we’re good for after is watching TV and slowly blinking. All we can do is barely stay alive after wrangling a literal demon into submission so we better schedule all of our “productivity” for before we have to fight the beast.
No Offense, But We Don’t Want To Eat The Same Hotdogs And Plain Pasta They Do
Also, you don’t need to worry about weird stuff like textures, foods touching and avoiding any food that they haven’t had at least 16 times before. Honestly, I’m willing to starve all day just to avoid steamed plain carrots.
They Sleep, But Their Creepy Dolls Never Do
Having kids is all about learning which creepy noises in your house are worth ignoring and which ones are worth freaking out over. The one we’re all most terrified of is the creak at the top of the stairs that signals your kid is out of bed…again.
They Go Down And The Liquid Therapy Comes Out
In college you made sure you were at all the dollar beer nights at the local pub, but now that you’re an adult you make sure you’re hitting the bottle every night at the world’s hottest club. It opens at 7:30 and it’s just you, in your bathrobe, in your living room, having one drink so you can go to work tomorrow.
If It’s Not The Kids It’s The Pets
Once you think you’re in the clear—you’re really not. Putting the kids to bed is only half the battle of getting your time back because pets are always keeping an eye on when your attention can finally be monopolized.