Doesn't staying home just sound so wonderful these days? Like, sure, when you were a young spry buck, maybe you wouldn't feel a creeping sense of impending doom when you were invited to your cousin's themed dinner party. But now? You just want to take a hard pass and that's OK.
Better yet, it's easy to get out of your plans if you have a baby or kid at home. Here's a diaper-load worth of excuses to stay home that literally nobody can refute.
Shirk Happy Hour Work Events By "Picking Your Kid Up From Volleyball Practice"
Any after-five work event that you'd rather peel your own fingernails off than be at conveniently falls in the timeslot of picking your kid up from [insert here] after-school activity. And the best part is, you can use it for 10 months of the year.
Your Whole Household Is Vegan/Gluten-Free Just In Time For Your Cousin's Potluck
Gosh, what a bummer, huh? The one event where people are forced to eat your cooking and your entire family just strictly committed to a plant-based, gluten-free, zero-fun diet. They may pay you not to come.
Your Kid Gave You Shin Splints Running Into You With Her Barbie Dream Car
Every single person who's ever seen, owned, or had kids who've had one of these knows that this is an absolutely debilitating injury. People trying to make plans with you will empathize with the pain of hard plastic hitting your bony shins and lay off.
That Couples' Yoga Retreat Sounded Fun Until Your Child's Teacher Called You About A Drawing...
There's an art to hiding your lies around your partner since they, well, live with you and your kid. You've got to dig deep and really think of hyper-specific excuses your partner won't be able to validate. Like a mysterious inappropriate drawing your kid did at school that you must stay home and discipline them for.
A Class Reunion Would Be Great Except Your Kid Has Violin Day-Camp That Weekend
Day camps are the perfect excuse in a parent's arsenal if you want to have an excuse for an entire weekend. Since you just have to pick them up and drop them off at 9 and 5, you can't do anything fun in between.
Clear Your Social Calendar For Six Months, Because You Think Your Baby Is Going To Say Their First Words
You're welcome for this one. I bet you were getting a little nervous that you'd have to keep thinking of individual excuses for your whole life. Not to fear, this one works longterm.
God, You Love Parades, But Your Kid Is Allergic To Latex
Allergies are your new best friend. If you don't want to go to great lengths explaining why you want to cancel plans, but you want to deliver a punch, just say your kid is allergic to whatever it is you're going to.
You Can't Pick Friends Up From The Airport Since Their Luggage Won't Fit In The Back With The Car Seat
Oops, what do you know, your carry-on and stowed luggage won't fit in the back with all of your car seats, diaper bags, and other child stuff. Sure, you could've taken it out beforehand, but it's just so hard to put back in.
Can't Help Your Friend Move Because You Tweaked A Disc Coaching Your Son's Little League Team
Not only can you use your child's ailments as excuses, but you can use yours as well! Make sure you frame them as "good parenting" moments, because people are much less likely to judge you if you threw your hip out playing basketball with your kids than when you fell down the porch stairs at Randy's cookout last weekend.
You Would Love To See Your In-Laws, But Your Kid Has A Soccer Tournament Far, Far Away
The trick to avoiding your in-laws is putting as much distance between you and them as possible. Those flimsy "my kid is sick" excuses won't work, so you've gotta go big and obscure for this one. If your kid doesn't play sports, pretend you're driving them out of state to a debate team tournament. Just make sure your kid has the story straight later.
You Can't Make An Appearance At The Funeral Because Your Teen Is Going Through A Goth Phase And You Don't Want To Fuel It
A phase is always a good excuse to drag out. You can literally make up any TV show or band and every parent will nod understandingly around the room. It's not that we hate the phases, it's just we can't listen to five more hours of Edgar Allan Poe poetry being recited at us.
Church...Sorry, Big Guy Up There, But My Kid's Got Pink Eye And I Might Have It Too
You shouldn't be skipping church...but, if you're hungover on a Sunday morning and just need a tiny bit of rest, I definitely would consider it. A bonus is that your morning eyes will be so dry and red that if anyone asks for proof you have pink eye, you can send them a believable photo.
It Sucks To Cancel For Your Friend's Wedding In Wyoming, But Your Kid's Stomach Bug Just Won't Let Up
The flu is your number one fallback because it's going to incapacitate a kid for at least 24 hours and they're going to need you there to take care of them. Looks like you won't have to buy a wedding gift after all...
You Don't Want To Miss The Maternal Magic Of Skin-To-Skin Breastfeeding
Whether it's you or your wife doing the feeding, this is an excuse that you can literally milk for as long as you want. Because it's a magical freaking moment. Just make sure you stop by the time your kid is 12.
The Lunch Meeting At Work Can Wait For Your Kid's Wisdom Teeth Removal
Wisdom teeth, optometry appointments, dentist appointments—really, any of that genre of boring health checkup is perfect if you need an afternoon pick-me-up and want to waste three hours away from work.
The Neighborhood BBQ Sounded Fun Until Your Kid's Hives Started Acting Up
Grass and pollen allergies are seriously killer, but they're not just for middle-aged people with runny noses named Doug anymore. You can use them to get out of eating your neighbor's weird potato salad.
Leave Anything Abruptly Without Notice Because You Just Remembered It's Your Baby's Nap Time
Babies sleep at weird times—everyone knows this. So really lean into that parenting card if you're out somewhere and are really getting the desire to leave. I recommend standing up suddenly and dabbing away the sweat from your forehead.
Your Baby's Getting Instagram Famous And You're Trying To Set Up A Meeting With A Manager
Child fame is an untapped market of parental excuses. It's a weird one that's just so strange it could work. And if anyone ever asks you about where your kid's work is published on, just say they're "big in Europe."
Can't Come Into Work Because You're Taking A Mental Health Day To Cuddle Your Baby
Mental health is no joke, so if you're using this as an excuse, you probably need this anyway. Luckily, babies always want to cuddle you. Sometimes we don't, though...especially when they have full diapers.
If You Say Your Kid Is Narcoleptic, You Can Race Home Whenever You Want For Story Time
This works best for a kid aged 3–8, but you get the gist. You can mime out pretending to get a text from your wife that says "he's going under" then grab your keys and flee.
No, You Can't Go For A Drive. Your Child's Baby-Mozart CD Is In The Player, And You're Not Taking It Out So We Can Headbang To Metallica
When you're a parent, you're basically a chauffeur, debit card, and snack machine all rolled into one person in your child's eyes. So naturally, if someone switches their favorite CD out of the console, they're going to lose their minds.
Can't Watch The Game With The Boys Because You Promised The TV For Your Kid's Weird Anime Show
Any plans that revolve around you and your friends sitting around a TV watching a sports event are required to fall away the minute your kid begs you for TV time. What can you say, you're a pushover.
Your Baby Switched To Solid Foods And Now You Do Laundry Every Day
This is a massive and scary shift, and it's an excuse other parents will hear and be concerned about...especially if they've been through it themselves. RIP, those cute OshKosh onesies.
You Would Love To Go To A Pub, But Your Child's Swim Class Starts At 5 a.m. Tomorrow
Swim class is your perfect early-morning excuse to clear our your weeknight schedule for as long as your kid is in school. Heck, even if they're not, you can always pretend you've got aquafit in the morning.
You Pulled Both Biceps Carrying Groceries And Your Kid
True dad-strength lies in the forearms and biceps, so messing with one of those is a heartbreaker any guy can relate to. You'll definitely get some sympathy tears from the other dads you tell your tale of woe to.
You Would Love To Do Dinner, But The Holidays Are Around The Corner And You're Budgeting For Presents
This one only works from roughly mid-October to late December, so if you use it in July, people are going to be concerned for you. If you really want to plan ahead, conceive all your children so they'll be born in the summer and you can technically start saving for presents year-round.
Keep A Baby Monitor On Your Desk At Work To Complete The Illusion
Even if your kid is way out of the crib and attending high-school, having a baby monitor gives the illusion that you're an on-call parent. It just makes all your excuses seem more real.
Only Send Photos Of Your Kid As A Response From Now On
True masters of deception live and breathe the art. That means using cute photos of your baby as memes and other text responses for months. People will be so weirded out and convinced you're obsessed that they'll just stop inviting you places. You're welcome.
Just Start Wearing Polos And Khakis Exclusively...It Adds To The Illusion
You're a dad now, so you've got to start acting like one—and that means dressing the part. Because there absolutely is a part. You're the guy who's up at 7 a.m. on a Sunday to mow the grass and you're absolutely loving the fresh smell.
You Can't Come In Early Because You're Working Out To Lose The Stress-Eating Weight Having Kids Made You Gain
If you frame your excuse around "getting my life back after kids," then you can pretty much get away with anything. Like, never showing up an hour early to work like your boss wants to prove you're a "team player."