Funny Tweets About Dads That Are So Accurate That It Almost Hurts

Every single dad on this planet has a slew of unique characteristics that make him different from the rest, but we also have to admit that there are a lot of similarities between dads across the board. I don’t know what it is about fatherhood, but suddenly you just have to slap the bags of rice at the grocery store.

These people shared tweets about dads doing dad things and they are hilariously accurate.

Louder Than War Movie Sound Effects

WHY DO DADS SNEEZE SO LOUD WHAT R U GOING TO GAIN FROM IT
Photo Credit: Twitter / @shutyourhell
Photo Credit: Twitter / @shutyourhell

A man can have a totally normal sneeze for his whole life, but the second he holds his newborn child in his arms, his sneeze is permanently altered to be deafening.

Dad, I Am 35

no one: [silence] my dad: why don't you hang out with that friend from kindergarten anymore
Photo Credit: Twitter / @garyfromteenmom
Photo Credit: Twitter / @garyfromteenmom

First of all, I don’t think my father has ever correctly remembered the name of a single one of my friends, but he still will ask me about my pal Greg from tee-ball.

The Passive-Aggression Is So Intense

My dad is so dramatic when I'm not home all day. (photo of text message:
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Harlz_
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Harlz_

The funny thing is that a dad will never just text and say, “I miss having you around. Will you come home for dinner tonight so we can hang out?”

Make This Common Practice For Coma Patients

doc:
Photo Credit: Twitter / @KeetPotato
Photo Credit: Twitter / @KeetPotato

I could scream for, text, call, and even stand right in front of my dad, and he would barely pay attention to it, but the second my hand hovered too close to the thermostat, he would be alert.

It’s A Surprise For Everyone!

Love it on Christmas day when a label on a present says
Photo Credit: Twitter / @iwanciw
Photo Credit: Twitter / @iwanciw

It’s also important to note that all the handwriting on the present labels always looked like it was done solely by Mom. Dad is just here for the surprise reveal too.

You Can’t Brag If You’re Tired!

Dads: *brag about waking up early* Also dad 5 mins after sittin on the couch (photo of homer simpson asleep at table)
Photo Credit: twitter / @AntohLibra
Photo Credit: twitter / @AntohLibra

Dads will wait in the main living area for every other family member to come downstairs so they can say, “Look at who is finally up!” only to promptly fall asleep in their recliner.

He Thinks He’s Better Than GOOGLE?

*me, typing the address into Google maps*  
my dad:
don't say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 
don’t say it 

dad: need some directions?
Photo Credit: Twitter / @21e8x33
Photo Credit: Twitter / @21e8x33

A father cannot simply let their child follow Google Maps directions or simply drive in peace: a father must offer to personally give them directions, insisting that he knows a “shortcut.”

Every. Single. Time.

Me:  My dad:   Me:  My dad: you're gonna want to get to the airport at least 2 hours early
Photo Credit: Twitter / @bvorwerk
Photo Credit: Twitter / @bvorwerk

There was one time where I had a domestic, in-state flight at 3:00 p.m. and we only lived 20 minutes from the airport, but at 9:30 a.m. my father was already worried about me being late to it.

Safety Second!

We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @KentWGraham
Photo Credit: Twitter / @KentWGraham

Sure, if there was a car accident, there is a small chance they would not be able to save the kids in the trunk, but there’s definitely a chance they’ll save money on gas.

Dads Don’t Own Headphones, Apparently

Anyone else's dad just be watching videos with the volume all the way up, with no regards for anyone
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Ec3_beisbol
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Ec3_beisbol

There is an unspoken societal rule that, if you’re in the presence of other people, you should use headphones or closed captions when watching a video. Unfortunately, fathers never got the memo.

The Support Is Unparalleled

I never regret teaching my dad about makeup phrases because now I wake up to texts like this (screenshot of text message saying
Photo Credit: Twitter / @LUVsicHEXALOGY
Photo Credit: Twitter / @LUVsicHEXALOGY

Dads might have their flaws, but we have to love the way that, once you tell them about something you love, they’ll find any way to bring it up again.

It Would Be So Perfect

[Dads Anonymous meeting] 
DAD: Hi everyone, I'm new here

DADS: Hi, new here, we're dads! 

*universe implodes*
Photo Credit: Twitter / @TheHyyyype
Photo Credit: Twitter / @TheHyyyype

Jokes aside, I wonder what fathers would talk about at a Dads Anonymous meeting: would they discuss the rising price of those New Balance shoes? Would they complain about their dad jokes not landing?

I Would Watch This Series

Photo Credit: Twitter / @bodegacat212
Photo Credit: Twitter / @bodegacat212

When you think about it, a father wandering the home and turning off the lights is just like how a zombie would move, except he is also wearing worn out slippers.

It’s Second Nature To Them

no one: 
dad at a restaurant looking at the check: what's the damage
Photo Credit: Twitter / @sweatyhairy
Photo Credit: Twitter / @sweatyhairy

At this point in my life, if I go out to dinner with my dad or someone else’s dad who plans on paying the check and they don’t say this, I find it jarring.

Overreacting Is His Specialty

I SENT MY DAD A PIC OF ME EATING HIS CAKE AND HE LOCKED THE FREAKING FRIDGE ?!?!!! (photo of cake slice and then dad with padlock and chain on fridge doors)
Photo Credit: Twitter / @shannenmiralles
Photo Credit: Twitter / @shannenmiralles

Any normal person, upon finding out someone had taken a slice of their cake, would simply say that it made them unhappy and ask them not to do it again. Dads, on the other hand…

It Was A Part Of The Shopping Experience

Do you remember when your mom would take you shopping and you would come home and do a
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Brooke_L_March
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Brooke_L_March

The way that my mom and sister used to do this all the time and my dad, without even looking up or opening his eyes, would respond every single time with, “It looks great!”

They Cannot Stop Themselves

*walks outside* 
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Death_Buddy
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Death_Buddy

I don’t know what it is about being a dad that makes you think that your barbecue skills deserve a Michelin star, but they simply cannot resist giving unsolicited advice.

TLC, Please Make This A Show

[two dads at Lowes circling the last stack of freshly cut sod] 
manager: oh, this happens every year!  new guy: what?
manager: turf war
Photo Credit: Twitter / @withanewname
Photo Credit: Twitter / @withanewname

I would pay a prime subscription fee to watch a reality TV show where two dads argue over who deserves to take home the last bag of mulch or whatever supplies.

It’s A Sixth Sense

Me: Walks downstairs and turns down the thermostat in my own house.  
My Dad: *200 miles away* (meerkat peaking up out of hole)
Photo Credit: Twitter / @momjeansplease
Photo Credit: Twitter / @momjeansplease

I swear, fathers all have a sixth sense that activates when someone turns their thermostat up in the winter and down in the summer, potentially subjecting them to a higher bill at the end of the month.

He’s Been Looking Forward To It For Weeks

A dad's favorite part of vacation is acting like he’s better than everyone else because he woke up the earliest.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @simoncholland
Photo Credit: Twitter / @simoncholland

Normally, when people are anticipating a vacation, they get excited about things like exploring a new place, lying on a beach, or simply relaxing. However, this is what dads anxiously await.

Why Is It So Important?

why do dads always wanna know your flight information what are you going to do with it
Photo Credit: Twitter / @holy_schnitt
Photo Credit: Twitter / @holy_schnitt

It might be different if my dad wanted my flight information because I was coming home and he wanted to know when he should arrive at the airport. However, I’ll tell my dad that I’m taking a business trip to Spain and he wants me to forward the itinerary.

The Daddest Joke Of Them All

line of shot glasses full of coca cola
Photo Credit: Tumblr / passthatdutchbymissyelliott
Photo Credit: Tumblr / passthatdutchbymissyelliott

The person who took this photo explained that they were in their room when their dad yelled for them to come to do a line of Coke with him. Alarmed, they ran downstairs only to see this on the kitchen counter.

Tact Is Not Their Strong Suit

dad texts: daleynee please turn down your sad music we can still hear you crying... and shut up already we has ugly. She says: I'm not crying
Photo Credit: Twitter / @_Daleynee
Photo Credit: Twitter / @_Daleynee

Sometimes, the thing you’re thinking is not exactly the thing that you should say, but that doesn’t always seem to occur in a dad’s brain. Instead, he just sends the text without a second thought.

All Children Possess This Skill

My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @thepatrickwalsh
Photo Credit: Twitter / @thepatrickwalsh

I love that it’s a universal experience of children everywhere to mentally prepare to send apologetic looks to the server because we know our dad is going to make some corny jokes for them to fake laugh at.

Facepalm

MY DAD: What does the Caller ID say? MY MOM:
Photo Credit: Twitter / @ssemester
Photo Credit: Twitter / @ssemester

The wonderful and exhausting thing about dads is that, no matter the situation, they will find a way to make a joke so ridiculous that everyone in the room will roll their eyes.

“I Don’t Even Want A Cat”

cat with small versions of van gogh paintings over his food bowl/bed
Photo Credit: Tumblr / 3chum
Photo Credit: Tumblr / 3chum

What is it about dads that they all say they don’t want a pet and then they immediately latch onto the pet when it enters the house? This dad has been hanging mini versions of paintings before the cat “likes Van Gogh.”

Technology Is Challenging

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @simoncholland
Photo Credit: Twitter / @simoncholland

One of my favorite hobbies is watching my father try to navigate his Facebook page. I imagine it is similar to what it would have been like to watch a caveman discover fire.

We Must Become Them To Gain Approval

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection ME: wow, I feel like I'm in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Photo Credit: Twitter / @KalvinMacleod
Photo Credit: Twitter / @KalvinMacleod

I love that, at this point, looking at fathers and trying to mimic their behaviors has almost become a type of strange anthropological study. We must use their jokes to gain their acceptance.

This Is The Only Way It Could Go

[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Photo Credit: Twitter / @gojarbe
Photo Credit: Twitter / @gojarbe

You can tell your dad over a hundred times that the classic faking an injury and then moving on thing is overdone and not funny after the first few times, but he will never stop.

Must. Joke. At. All. Costs.

dad pretends to be shivering next to sign in grocery store that says
Photo Credit: Twitter / @paigealban23
Photo Credit: Twitter / @paigealban23

There are many things that culturally divide people around the world, but it’s nice to know that one constant is the need for dads of all backgrounds to make dumb jokes.

Never Let Dads Set The Table

Tweet: Dad set the table today (pictured is a paper plate with a stake knife and a random spoon)
Photo Credit: Twitter / @DancesWithTamis
Photo Credit: Twitter / @DancesWithTamis

Dads don’t really think about things like a good presentation when you’re supposed to be setting the table. They think that all knives are the same and you can use a fork to eat anything.

Does Anyone Liked Be Called On The Phone?

Tweet: My dad acts like the phone ringing is the biggest possible personal attack on him.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @1followernodad
Photo Credit: Twitter / @1followernodad

I know for certain that my hate for talking on the phone is something I got from my dad. We both have the same face when we sit there and watch them ring.

The Ultimate Comfort Outfit

Tweet: I mainly wanna be a dad so I can tuck my shirt in at home
Photo Credit: Twitter / @ch000ch
Photo Credit: Twitter / @ch000ch

Why is it that dads seem to be so comfortable with jeans on and their shirt tucked in? When you become a dad, does it just click all of a sudden?

It’s Such A Peaceful Scene

Tweet: I gazed upon the ocean for the first time and felt calm, like a dad staring at the yard for some reason.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @danjan13
Photo Credit: Twitter / @danjan13

There is nothing in the world that a dad takes more pride in than a well-kept yard. Not their accomplishments in life or with their children, but how good their lawn looks.

Always So Practical

Tweet: One time my dad got mad at Hulk Hogan and yelled
Photo Credit: Twitter / @weinerdog4life
Photo Credit: Twitter / @weinerdog4life

Dads tend to have a very limited viewpoint. Everything is so linear to them. A man ripping off his shirt isn’t cool or showing how tough he is. It’s wasteful!

It’s Like They Half-Listen

Tweet: Harry Potter is on and my dad thinks Voldemort's name is Baltimore
Photo Credit: Twitter / @dubstep4dads
Photo Credit: Twitter / @dubstep4dads

Dads love to half-listen to you talk about something you’re into like a movie or a TV show and then, to show you they’re half-interested, they sort of remember the names of the characters.

This Is A Great Point

Tweet: It's weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @simoncholland
Photo Credit: Twitter / @simoncholland

I guess no kid kept working on their craft because their parents told them it was bad. You have to feel nurtured and stuff, right? It’s just better not to ask dad’s opinion.

Something To Really Consider

Tweet: I constantly google
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Gooooats
Photo Credit: Twitter / @Gooooats

Dads don’t do guilt trips like moms do. They have sneakier, sometimes more malicious ways of making a point. This internet search history prank is exactly what I’m talking about.

Wonder Where He Gets It From

Tweet: watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence. At least we don't have to save for college
Photo Credit: Twitter / @iwearaonesie
Photo Credit: Twitter / @iwearaonesie

Any time a dad notices something about their kid that makes them really shake their head, they should really pause and ask themselves where that trait might have come from.

He Has A Point

Tweet: Bed time. Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed. 3 year old: There's a scary monster in my closet. Me: Scarier than mom? 3 year old goes to bed.
Photo Credit: Twitter / @XplodingUnicorn
Photo Credit: Twitter / @XplodingUnicorn

Dads do teach us one important lesson as children, and that is to never mess with mom, because when mom is upset, that’s a whole other ballgame that no one is ready to play.