Married Couples Who Might Kill Each Other Before Quarantine Ends
If distance supposedly makes the heart grow fonder, then the opposite is probably true when it comes to spending every moment trapped together inside your house.
These couples are spending a lot more time together these days, and it looks like it's beginning to wear them down a little bit.
Another Day, Another Annoyance
How do you keep a marriage alive after the honeymoon phase ends? Some believe it comes down to flowers and dates, but the true way to keep things exciting is to expose your worst qualities to your spouse.
If He Is Murdered, You Know Exactly What Happened
Firstly, there is a 60% chance that she would light the house on fire if he refused to let him in. Secondly, there is a 100% chance that this man was recently buried in a shallow grave.
Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures
Boredom really brings out the most chaotic parts of ourselves. Would this woman ever consider holding a baby shower for birds in the past? Probably not, but she's falling into madness before her husband's eyes.
So The Truth Finally Comes Out
This reminds me of how I waited until I was finished high school to get my driver's license, not because I didn't know how to drive, but because I never wanted to be the designated driver for parties.
Can We Please Not Blame The Other Employees?
This is starting to feel like an unsafe work environment. One moment, you're doing your best as a first-time teacher, and the next moment, your coworker is throwing you under the bus.
R.I.P. To This Man
Here lies this man, a dear son and husband, who tragically passed away when he was brutally murdered by his wife for his incessant farting. If only he hadn't eaten bean burritos.
But Really, Why Are You Doing It That Way?
People always stress the importance of making sure your religious and political ideologies match up with your partner's, but no one ever tells you that you should see if they stack the dishwasher in the same way.
Sweet Bun Roulette
Why would you simply do a nice thing for your husband when you could instead set him up with an evil prank where he will inevitably bite into a cinnamon bun covered in nacho cheese?
She Was Probably Right
Men are great for a lot of things (okay, that might be an exaggeration), but I will admit that style is not one of them. His shoe closet could definitely use an update.
Never Bring Up Your Dream Quarrels
When you've been married for a while, you know you should do anything possible to avoid a fight, which is why you should never bring up one you had in a dream.
Your Existence Is Annoying, Sorry
![Wife: If we're both going to be stuck in the house together for the next month, you really need to stop doing that.
Me: Stop doing what?
Wife [gesturing to me, in general]: that.](https://www.dadpatrol.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/My-Husband-wanted-a-sweet-treat.-I-made-orange-rolls.-To-keep-it-interesting-one-of-these-has-nacho-cheese-on-it.-1-10704.jpg?width=480 "that")
When you spend enough time alone with the same person, everything they do starts to annoy you. The way they chew, walk, and even breathe is enough to make you irritable.
Happy 7th Anniversary!
Every day you spend in quarantine with your new husband or wife adds a full week onto your marriage. If you got married in January, you should be celebrating your second anniversary any day now!
Give It A Few Weeks And He'll Be Free
Honey, it's a buyer's market right now because supply is way too high for demand. Just about every woman is on the verge of selling her husband for as low as $3 and a toilet paper roll.
Now You're In Hypothetical Debt
One moment, you're just trying to have a fun conversation about what it would be like to own a restaurant, then suddenly you're fighting over who gets to keep the vintage record player in the divorce.
Funny How It Always Happens Like That
I can look for one specific item for hours and not see it the whole time, but the second I ask my spouse about it, it suddenly appears out of thin air.
Observe The Husband In The Wild Searching For Doritos
Every wife around the world i just trying to get through a workday at home without her husband lumbering across the background of her screen during a meeting wearing only his boxers.
Celebrity Couples Are No Better Than Us
We have to support Chrissy Teigen for recognizing that she is acting like a total lunatic toward her husband, John Legend, after being cooped up with him for a full month.
I Swear He's Chewing On Nails
I don't know what it is about having to watch every single Netflix show with the exact same person, but it really makes you so uniquely aware as to how annoying their chewing is.
A Very Comprehensive To-Do List
Making a list is one of the best ways to tackle your day by laying out all the projects and tasks you need to undertake ahead of time. Farting on your wife should not be on the list, though.
You Learn Something New Every Day
Education doesn't end when you finish school: life is actually a never-ending learning experience where you realize that each of your behaviors is horrifically irritating to someone you love!
Welcome To Your New Career Path!
You never know when life is going to throw you a curveball and suddenly put you into a job you never expected, like having to explain to your spouse for the eighth time that you have to turn the monitor and the computer on!
Smash It Now! Break The Ukulele!
Everyone online likes to mention that now, while we're stuck in quarantine, is the perfect time to take up a new hobby, but no one mentions the poor people who have to listen to them learn the ukulele.
Never Let Your Husband Cook Dinner
Every week so far in lockdown, when he is responsible for making dinner, this husband has prepared this pizza (and I mean pizza in the loosest form of the term). Someone, please save her.
There Is A Correct Way To Fold Shirts And You Cannot Convince Me Otherwise
I'm just going to leave this here: pants should be folded into thirds. T-shirts should be rolled and placed next to each other in the drawer rather than folded and stacked.
Where Was This Knowledge Before, Sir?
It's funny how one day, your husband is utterly useless when it comes to cleaning regular household surfaces, but now that you're quarantined together, he is the expert on the subject.
I Would Like To Unsubscribe From This Fact Service
Fun facts can only be "fun" for so long. You eventually reach a point where the idea of having to learn new things from your cheery spouse makes you murderous.
This Outfit Activates My Fight Or Flight Response
With each passing day, this husband takes it upon himself to make his footwear even worse. Last week, this is what he wore to the grocery store, and I fear what next week brings.
You Need 2–4 Wives To Survive
We all have separate families for each separate part of our lives. I love my significant other with my whole heart, but I also have my work spouse, work mom, and work dad, and I miss them all dearly.
Have You Realized You're Living With A Child?
When you said your vows to the love of your life at the altar, you had no idea that you were actually signing up for a lifetime of babysitting a fully-grown adult.
Get Ready For A Wild Post-Lockdown Court
When people leave their houses for the first time after quarantine, there will be a wild rush of crowds heading to bars, stores, and local courts because they're sick of their spouses.
That's Literally All I Want
This poor husband. He was probably expecting something a little more spicy when he asked about her fantasy and instead only learned that she's absolutely sick of seeing his face on a daily basis.
She Did Not, In Fact, Know How To Cut Hair
Cons of quarantine: you have to rely on your inexperienced wife to give you a haircut. Pros of quarantine: when she inevitably butchers it, at least no one will see it.
Let's Make A Hate Schedule
"Okay, I have a lot of things to manage Monday, Thursday, and Saturday, so can I get Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday to hate you and you can take the other days this week?"
He Doesn't Have To Know
![[hears husband calling me from the bathroom] *turns up the tv*](https://www.dadpatrol.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Untitled-design-67390.jpg?width=480 "tv")
Sometimes in marriage, the only thing you can do to keep yourself sane is to simply pretend that your partner does not exist or that you can't hear them—just for a moment.
Day Two? Someone Check On Him
If she was already this over her husband's existence within the first two days of quarantine, I genuinely fear what they're like now. Can someone make sure he's still alive?
There Is No Escape
One of the better parts about quarantine measures are that you don't have to worry about dressing up on a regular basis. I mean, unless you're this guy whose wife demands it.
Suddenly, I'm Narcoleptic
I seriously have to recommend that you should not ask questions you don't really want the answers to. You're only going to get hurt when your wife responds, "Absolutely not."
Patience Is A Virtue, Sweetie
Lines to get into grocery stores or shop for other necessities were pretty awful, but nothing can compare to the lines that formed outside of a Costco Warehouse. Still, he better not have forgotten the ice.
Sounds Like A Witch To Me
She's too powerful. Any person knows that it's basically impossible to coordinate having two shower products run out at the same time. If I were him, I'd sleep with one eye open.
Time To Move To A Different Neighborhood
This couple seems a little too happy to be real. Everyone knows that only thing a wife should yell out into the yard while her husband is working on it is: "You're doing it all wrong!"
