People Who Seem To Be Aware Of Their Toxic Tendencies But Keep Slipping Under Anyway
In 2003, pop icon and cultural queen of low-waisted pants Britney Spears uttered the words that would define my entire dating future: "you're toxic". It's hard to be a good partner while dating and, while some of us might succeed in developing healthy relationships, I am not one of them.
Here's to being painfully self-aware to the ways in which you're toxic to yourself and others, but still getting caught up in it anyway.
Same Experience, Different Reactions
I'll lose my mind if I have to spend more than an hour trying to get paperwork processed at the DMV but will let a man treat me like garbage for months and still feel all *heart eyes* about him.
Can You Imagine How Mentally Well I'd Be If It Was 1981?
"It would be so much healthier if I let myself move on without obsessively checking out what my ex is up to using social media," I say as I open his Instagram profile for the eighth time that day.
Even Asking For The Bare Minimum, You'll Get Nothing And Accept It
You'll mentally prepare yourself to demand below your standards because you're interested in a person and they won't even give you the thing you considered a consolation prize. You say, "Don't worry about it; it's okay," anyway and then cry yourself to sleep.
Didn't Even Put In The Effort To Spell "Awake" Right And I'd Die For Him
I'll have a perfectly good guy in front of me who is nice and caring, but we have no chemistry so I'll keep waiting for the idiot who only texts me at 3 a.m. to love me back!
What Do You Even Say To That?
Imagine spilling your soul to the person you're into because you want to work things out with them and they respond, "I didn't sign up for a newsletter". To be honest, I would still probably want them anyway. Tragic.
"So There's Girls On Mars, Huh?"
I've got to admit, his fixation on "Planet Earth" is a little too specific—he's definitely hiding something from you. He's got a side chick hanging out on Venus. You should give him the silent treatment.
I Did Apologize Though
So what if my apology happened during my daydream where I dramatically replayed our last argument in my head and realized I was wrong, but could never admit it out loud?
Time To Think Of Something To Be Mad About
You'll start off innocently thinking about a hypothetical situation that would never happen in real life and next thing you know, you're waking him up to ask if he would've hit on your friend first if you hadn't been blonde when you met.
At Least Logan Is Self-Aware
Logan might have said that he was "looking for a relationship" on his profile, but that doesn't mean that he's actually looking for a relationship or has the emotional availability to be in one.
Talk Things Out? Nah, We Get Even
If I was an emotionally mature person, I would try to approach issues in my relationship in a healthy way. However, it is much easier to "spill" Mountain Dew on his Xbox.
CEO Of Mixed Signals When Flirting!
I'll be trying to tell a guy that I am in love with him and want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life but slip up and call him "bro" so he thinks he's in the friendzone.
You Thought You Could Stop Me? Oh, Honey...
If you ever think that you can get the last word and cut off contact, you can bet my crazy self will break out the quill and ink and write a dramatic letter outlining all the things I'm still angry about.
I Can't Believe My Ex Was So Paranoid...
I'll be in a relationship with a new guy and he'll be weird about me having guy friends because he thinks they're into me. No honey, we only hooked up multiple times years ago!
Sometimes I Would Like To Pretend I Am Healthy, Thank You!
I get that I'm a toxic idiot who self-sabotages every new relationship I enter because I won't correct my borderline psychotic behaviors, but sometimes I would like to pretend I could have a healthy romantic life.
People Have The Ability To Follow Through? Couldn't Be Me
I thought the whole purpose of dating was to get to know someone for a while, tell them about your emotional trauma, and then drop them when you get bored or tired. Have I been mistaken this whole time?
Sir, I Am The MVP
A mature person would walk away when someone starts playing games with them, but my response is "game on" and I instead work to outplay them instead because I'm petty.
Should I Wear Jeans Or A Skirt?
All the signs that a guy is mistreating me can be right there but, if I'm into him at all, I will find a way to justify his garbage behavior and stay with him.
I Can Become Your Dream Girl
It's not like I'm faking who I am so much as playing up certain traits. A guy loves sports so I'm a beer drinking bruh girl who knows a lot about basketball. A guy likes to write music so I'm the artistic soul who majored in poetry in college.
It's Worked In The Past!
Do so many of my romantic endeavors follow this pattern because I tend to go after men who are emotionally unavailable and detached? I guess there's no way to really know...
Oh, I Didn't Mean To Actually Elicit Emotions From You
Listen, buckaroo: if I confess my feelings to you, you know that they have long been lost and repressed. We will never be together now because you weren't obsessed with me when I was obsessed with you. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Thanks For Caring About My Well-Being
I once was sick so a guy brought over soup, laid a cool cloth over my forehead, and told me to call him if I needed anything else and I still was in love with his meathead best friend instead.
They Should Send Out A PSA On Work Marriages
Fun fact: I once had a work husband who claimed he was gay but would also try to make out with me every time he got drunk at happy hour before whispering, "We don't need to tell your boyfriend."
I Just Love The Color Red, You Feel?
I'm so caught up in a horrific cycle of toxic relationships that I kind of feel bored when I'm not in one. Turn me into an emotional wreck! Tell me you wish I was dead and then call me to say you miss me!
I Actually Have A 50 Pack Of Straws...
I'll give myself an ultimatum in hopes that it will actually force me to dump people who are bad for me, but then I just lose my resolve to actually do it.
Everything And Anything Is A Sign
When it comes to people I am seeing casually, they could buy me a car and I'd be calm. But when I have a crush on someone and they merely watch my Instagram story, I think they're declaring love.
Honestly, It's My Bad
One of my worst traits is that, when I'm drunk or bored, I'll start a bunch of conversations with men and then instantly fall asleep and never respond. I mean, at least until the next time I'm bored.
I Am Always At War With Myself
I'll get ready with the mantra: "I will not hookup with him on the first date because you'll get attached for no reason." Then, later in the night, the evil part of my brain is like, "Do it! He's hot!"
Alas, I Am At Peace With It All
Am I fully aware that my own toxic behaviors and inability to process my emotions in a healthy way will keep me from ever finding love? Yes. Am I bothered by it? Not really.
Toxicity Is Just Too Much Fun
On one hand, I know that acting like a toxic idiot will never end in a healthy, happy relationship. On the other hand, toxicity keeps my life so interesting and gives me so many fun stories to tell.
We're All In This Together
I might be a Chernobyl-level toxic wasteland of a human being, but luckily I have a group of friends who are also just as chaotic and self-sabotaging along for the ride with me.
