Marriage Counselors Share The Most Common Mistakes Couples Make
Every couple is responsible for dealing with their own set of issues or problems in their relationship, and not every couple is going to face the same problems.
While every couple is different, there are a few things that are more common issues than others, that more relationships have to weather. Marriage counselors have seen just about every problem under the sun, and they've taken to Reddit to share some of the most common mistakes that married couples are making.
Remember To Thank Your Partner
"Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength." —Reddit / maxpowerhd
A Counselor Is Not The Judge And Jury
"Going to a marriage counselor believing that it's like a judge and s/he will tell them who's right and who's wrong." —Reddit
You're not going to counseling so a third party can tell you who is right or wrong in an argument or place blame on one of you.
Listen To Hear, Not To Respond
"Not listening, most people listen to respond and don't listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!" —Reddit / cplkm
It's not about formulating your next response as the other person is speaking; it's about hearing what they're saying.
A Child Will Not Save Your Marriage
"For the love of everything that is good and pure, don't bring a child into a broken marriage expecting him to be the lifesaver, it has never worked and it will never, a child is supposed to be the consolidation of the mutual love of the couple, he arrives because the marriage is in a good place, not the other way around." —Reddit / an_annoyed_jalapeno
Accept The Olive Branch
"Wife has degree in marriage and family counseling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to 'repair attempts' during arguments/conflict. Rescue attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments." —Reddit / KaptainKompost
If your partner is extending the olive branch, it's your job to accept it so you can move forward.
Forget About Keeping Score
"A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (i.e., I always..., she never...)." —Reddit / natgoeshome
Apparently, There's Somethin Called "Emotional Babysitting"
"Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt." —Reddit / natgoeshome
"You Should Just Know" Doesn't Help The Situation
"I banned the phrase 'you should just know' from my vocabulary after experiencing how stupidly frustrating that sentence is.
"It's not reasonable to think that even if hints were dropped or things were insinuated that your partner understands you without you saying your thought clearly and truthfully to them." —Reddit / thev3ntu5
Your Partner Is Not A Mind Reader
"Expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants." —Reddit / maxpowerphd
Just as you don't know what your partner is always thinking, they can't read your mind either. You have to vocalize what you need.
Don't Be So Quick To Defend Yourself, Not Everything Is An Attack
"Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don't stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome." —Reddit / WhyAreYouUpsideDown
Talk About Money And Finances
"If you're marrying someone with a [bad] credit score, you should know how and why they ended up with it, lest you find yourself in their shoes very quickly. A credit score can cost thousands and take Y E A R S to rebuild. Know if they have any tax liens or liability. Who is going to be responsible for managing the finances? How many credit cards does the other person have and what are their balances? I've seen money kill a lot of marriages." —Reddit / WholeMilkStandard
Your Support System Should Consist Of More Than One Person
"Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies." —Reddit / fairiefire
"Being someone's everything is very exhausting, too. Like, I've got a life outside of you. School, friends, family and don't forget 'me' time." —Reddit / BaboonAstronaut
The Actual Wedding Is Just A Bonus
"Getting married because they wanted a wedding, not because they wanted to be married." —Reddit / molten_dragon
You should want the marriage and all the things that come with that. Getting married because you want a wedding and like the idea of being married is not the same as wanting to be married to someone.
Vocalize That You're Hurt Rather Than Hurting Them Back
"When you're hurt, say so, and stop trying to 'hurt back.' When someone does something or says something hurtful, whether conscious or not, let them know in a non-accusatory way before you begin the game of throwing daggers. Much of the relationship damage that couples endure is the back and forth hurt-each-other game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage." —Reddit / Mightymeatballs
Deal With One Problem At A Time
"When one half says 'I am not happy about X,' do not respond with 'OK, but I am unhappy with Y.' Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to." —Reddit / mrmrmrj
You're not trying to one-up their concerns with your own issues. Deal with the problem they've raised, then talk about yours once that's settled.
Don't Forget About Intimacy
"Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the 'hot and heavy' phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes, many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn't just come naturally." —Reddit / maxpowerhd
You're Supposed To Be On The Same Team
"As soon as a couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bulls*** of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other's goals. If you're not on the same team, you're just going to wind up annoying each other." —Reddit / thudly
Learn How To Fight Fairly
"People don't learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person you are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, don't assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views." —Reddit / probablynotapreacher
Focus On Your Own Feelings And Make "I" Statements
"The main mistake being the use of the word 'you'/'your' or any similar words targeting the other partner in an argument (for example, 'you said you would do the dishes!').
"This puts the person receiving the comment into a defensive mode and they stop listening and get defensive. Thus, communication breaks down." —Reddit / Jackal889988
Accept What They're Giving You In The Moment
"When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don't react harshly if it's something they've refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive 'Why didn't you bring this up sooner!' will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash." —Reddit / McCl3lland
Sometimes You Just Want Your Feelings Validated
"One thing I'll mention on that point is that sometimes people (not to generalize, but in my personal experience this occurs more often with women than men) aren't necessarily looking for a solution, they're looking to express their feelings and feel heard. I've multiple times in my life made the mistake of trying to jump to finding the 'solution' to a problem, where the right thing to do for my partner's sake was to be open, listen, and acknowledge the validity of their feelings." —Reddit / dudeguy1234
If You Have Children, They Don't Have To Be Your Everything
"When you do have children, take time to focus on each other. A lot of couples get so wrapped up in being parents once the kids are grown and move out they don't know each other anymore." —Reddit / Sorce291
Therapy Can't Fix Something That's Already Broken
"Waiting until your relationship is already DOA before coming to therapy and then expecting the therapist to revive it in one hour." —Reddit / BellicoseBelle
You should be coming to therapy before your relationship is past the point of no return. It won't fix anything if you're only going because one person is looking to end the marriage or leave.
Keep Your Mothers Out Of It
"Allowing families/friends to get too involved in the relationship. Remember the saying 'Too many cooks spoil the broth?' yeah, exactly this." —Reddit / Being_grateful
It can be helpful to get an outside opinion about a concern or problem you're having, but your relationship still only has two people in it.
Only Marry Someone You'd Go Into Business With
"I always tell people to never marry someone you wouldn't go into business with.
"Because marriage is a legal business. It is a marriage contract. Not like a contract you sign for internet service or to buy a car. But a legal contract nevertheless. One that creates a business relationship with the other person. And one that requires going to court and paying financial settlements to extricate yourself from. You have to get the court's permission to dissolve the legal contract." —Reddit / LauraMcCabeMoon
It's not the most romantic view, but it's true...
Don't Assume They're Always Going To Behave As They Have Before
"Assuming you know exactly what your partner wants at any given point in time. People will not always be in the frame of mind we expect them to be, sometimes it's best to give them their own space." —Reddit / Being_grateful
Just like how you can't expect your partner to be a mind reader, you shouldn't assume that you know how your partner is feeling or what they're thinking about in the moment.
You're Not Just Two Individuals Who Live Together
"One of the most toxic things I have found in doing marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who happen to be together and not as a couple. Marriage is a union of two people.
"If either member still conceptualizes themself as a solely autonomous individual whose actions and dispositions impact only themselves, things will go bad eventually." —Reddit
You're Both Going To Change
"The biggest lesson that I have discovered over time: people change. You will change. They will change. It is nigh impossible to have the same relationship two years in that you did at the start—don't try to hold onto it. The only way my partner and I have stayed together for as long as we have is because we were able to adapt to each other." —Reddit / astronoob
Misunderstanding What A Physical Connection Represents
"Sexual incompatibility. Misunderstanding sex as a bonding activity. When one or the other believes sex is something one does to another as if it was just a utility." —Reddit / BlucatBlaze
There's No Room In Your Marriage For Selfishness
"People that don't quite realize that marriage works best when you are both acting in the other's best interest and seeking their happiness more than your own. Marriage is a lot about sacrifice, and the couples I see thriving are the ones who are each willing to make sacrifices for the other and for their family." —Reddit / Auto_Fac
