Kids have never heard of the old “foot-in-mouth” syndrome, so they’re completely fine with standing by the little savage digs they drop on us. Anytime they compliment you, you can bet it’s going to be a backhanded one. The worst part is you know deep down it’s true.
Parents took to Twitter to share the times their kids accidentally flamed them. Are they hilarious? Yes. Are they making us all walk on eggshells and look our best around our clearly very judgmental toddlers? Absolutely.
That Time Having Two Moms Meant Something Completely Different
I’ve been the “other mom” my whole life, so it would be great if I could be the “pretty mom” for once. Oh wait, I can be—if we all just close our eyes when I’m around.
Your Kid Flattering You? Must Be A Fluke
This kid needs to stop watching the TV before the Westminster dog show comes on and he points at a terrier and says “that’s mommy.” I would be vigilant for that inevitable future if I was this mom.
Just Grit Your Teeth And Pretend Not To Be Offended, Mom
Okay, we get it, one mom is bad enough, so you can’t even imagine having two, got it. I can’t wait for this kid to grow up and become a parent so they realize there’s a whole good-cop-bad-cop routine we play by that makes our kids hate us for the first 18 years of their lives.
We Can’t All Be Hot Like Garrett’s Mom
You’ve heard of Stacy’s mom, but you probably haven’t heard of her even hotter sister, Garrett’s mom. Chin up, Sam’s mom, at least you can dunk on those short 10-year-olds and they can’t.
When Your Kid Points Out Your Lack Of Hygiene Recently
It’s a special occasion when we use soap, apparently. Honestly though, when you’ve got kids, you know that whatever clothing you wear is inevitably going to get dirty with snot, spit, and dirt in three seconds anyway, so why even bother changing?
“What Happened?” Is A Valid Question
Every morning when I wake up and look up at the mirror, I ask myself this very same question. Whenever I see an extra line, another gray hair, or just generally the dead look in my eyes, I wonder what aspect of life has done me so dirty to deserve this.
Are You Ready For The Pickup B-Ball Game At Six?
If I was this mom, I would not ask her to elaborate because I’m not sure this lady wants to hear where this train of thought is going. Just accept it as a compliment and try not to think of it ever again.
This One Hurt Me In My Cookie Pouch
Us women have successfully told the entire world not to ask us if we’re pregnant because it’s…well, really rude. But you know who hasn’t gotten the memo? Our kids, the ones we see every single day.
The Kid Who Was Just Trying To Trace His Lineage
Time to pluck that gray hair out before she gets a lineup of kids asking where on their Ancestry.com charts she falls. I wish kids would grasp the whole “aging” thing before I run out of money buying anti-aging lotions to stifle the trauma they put me through.
Gotta Look Your Best For The Kiss-n-Ride
Apparently, coming to school requires a full makeover and at least an hour of prep like you would for a job interview. That’s because kids are way harsher judges than even the strictest of interviewers.
Aging Is Just Head Replacement, I Guess
If only aging was just getting a new head. I’d take having a couple of wrinkles around my mouth over the stiffness and exhaustion my body feels getting out of bed every morning.
There’s More To Love…Just Don’t Acknowledge It, Maybe
Great, thanks. If this lady wasn’t concerned about her “chins” before, well, she definitely is now. Those probably non-existent chins are getting a full mirror-inspection for at least an hour with two hand-held mirrors.
You’re Not A Bad Singer…Just Get Another Voice
This is like telling someone you’d like them as a person if they just got a different personality. Like, yeah, sure, let me go and change my voice, my face, and my personality if it’s not really doing it for you here.
This Is When It’s Acceptable To Run After A Kid And Yell “WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY DIFFERENT?!”
Good to know that the kid doesn’t approve of whatever is going on, but I can’t help but wonder what career she’s going to have when she grows up. If it’s not on a makeover show with a 360-degree mirror involved, then she’s on the wrong career path.
Having Kids Means You Give Up Your Gender, Apparently
God, if this isn’t the saddest thing ever. Every parent knows deep down they’re just a wallet, an alarm clock, and a taxi driver in their kid’s mind, and that’s it. But it hurts actually hearing it from them.
I’m Curious When They Clued In That Their Teacher Was Still Alive
It’s not going to be a good day when you’ve been in zero accidents and some kid asks you “what happened to your face?” You want to know how I got these scars? Stress-forehead wrinkles from talking to children.
Nice To Know That She Can Get A Whole New Identity With A Little Makeup
If this mom ever wanted to slip out of the house undetected by her kid for a little me-time, it’s good to know all she has to do is to not wear makeup because she’s a whole other person now, apparently.
At Least This 4-Year-Old Is Keeping An Eye On The Dad’s Behavior
I appreciate this kid for being so vocal and honest and making sure his dad keeps on the straight and narrow when mom’s not home. Just…maybe skip the whole lipstick thing.
Even If The Dress Still Fits, You Kid Will Have Comments About The “Wedding You” And The “Now You”
Let’s just reframe our perspective and pretend that the kid was just complimenting her on how nice she looked on her wedding day. Yep, just going to only hear that part of the statement for everyone’s sanity.
Ah Yes, The Epitome Of Beauty, A Clown
I guess we should applaud this kid for thinking that all kinds of people and carnival professionals are beautiful. It’s not exactly the comparison we want to hear when we’ve spent a ton of money on a makeup look though…
Every Day Is Pajama Day When You’re A Burnt-Out Parent
If I worked at an informal company where suits and blouses were optional, I wouldn’t even change out of the home clothes I wear when wrangling my children. Or sleeping.
Who’s Mary, And Why Does She Remind Me Of The Other Mary?
I love how this kid’s immediate reaction was to argue about whether, in fact, she was Mary. He’s going to need to see a piece of photo ID, her most recent paystub, and the deed to her house, because this kid has the makings of a TSA agent.
“You Look Like A Celebrity” Is A Compliment Until They Specify The Movie…
Yeah, you gotta know which celebrity and what era they’re referencing before you take that as a compliment. For all you know, it’s Bill Skarsgård, from when he played Pennywise the murderous clown.
Chaperoning Now Required For ID-ing
I didn’t know that it was such a high-pressure game to be a school chaperone these days. Apparently, you need background checks and the whole nine yards just to go on a field trip.
The Old Glasses And Hair Up Trick
Hi, nice to meet you, I’m the same girl you met like an hour ago, we still live next to each other, and we’re still friends. Good to know that this transformation can happen within the space of an hour and a hundred yards.
Because All We Ever Want Is A Formal Investigation When We’re Missing Teeth
One of the best things about kids is that they’re open, honest, and here to investigate everything. They’re not ashamed of just jumping right in there and getting to the bottom of an issue. It would be great if it didn’t happen when we needed dental work, though.
Who Knew We’d Have To Compete With The Dog For The Same Compliments
At least this kid can actually give out compliments instead of just insults all the time. I’d love to know how this dog ended up smelling like cookies too, though.
The Dad Who Dressed Up And Got Sworn In
This is straight-up hilarious, and it’s good to know that even dads have to put up with the “who are you?” questions. Thank God it’s not just moms not wearing mascara that day.
Six Rings? You Are Obviously The Type Of Woman To Have Six Boyfriends
This is a testament to how kids think. They’re legitimately ready to jump to any and every conclusion no matter how crazy they are. Multiple boyfriends? Definitely more likely than just wearing multiple rings.
This Kid Is Clearly A Spy For Anti-Aging Companies
This kid has great knowledge of the anti-aging market, and I’m proud of them for having that brand name at the ready. I do still think they’re a spy for the skincare agency, though…