Dads are a breed of their own and there is no escaping it. You will only fully understand dad culture once you become one yourself, and until then, it’s simply a mystery to the rest of us. Dad culture is forgetting the name of your child’s best friend who comes for dinner once a week. It’s wearing crocs to a highschool graduation just because your wife said not to.
And, of course, it’s making sure the thermostat is held under lock and key. These are just a part of the culture you enter when you become a dad. Hey, we love them for it and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Lending A Helping Hand
It’s hard to admit defeat as a dad. You thought you could fix the plumbing after you watched that one YouTube video. It seemed easy enough but unfortunately, that duct tape job didn’t work out for you.
Now you have to hire someone to fix your mess, but of course, you can’t just let them come into your home unsupervised. You have to be there the entire time and let them know you’re there to help if they need you. You just have to.
Doing Everything At Full Volume
Dads — much like whatever Discovery Channel television show they’re watching — are always on full volume. Whether it’s coughing, chewing, blowing their noses or earth-shattering sneezes, you’ll always know where your dad is.
The reason behind it is unknown, and your wife will probably mock you about your incredibly loud sneeze or your inability to whisper in a movie theatre for the rest of your marriage. But hey, it’s okay because you have other redeeming qualities.
Showing Off His Fashion Sense
Dad fashion is an integral part of dad culture. People can immediately tell from your cargo pants, Teva sandals and your “my son and my money go to ___ University” shirt that you are a father and you are proud of it.
He’s paying $20,000 a year for you to study psychology and share a room the size of a shoebox with another person, he’s earned the right to rep that university t-shirt proudly!
Chillin’ And Grillin’
If there’s a BBQ happening, you can bet you’re going to have dad within a 100-mile radius. He’s ready to show up at any time to let you know what internal temperature is best for getting the perfect sirloin.
On top of their tips, you’re going to see some more peak-dad fashion. Picture the backward baseball cap, the apron his daughter gave him for Christmas last year that reads something like “King of the Grill” plus a pair of plaid shorts they’ve been wearing for 10 years.
I’d Watch That Show
Look, he doesn’t work 40 hours a week for his kids to waste all his hard-earned money by leaving every light on in the house or leaving their computer charging all day long.
Sometimes you get dad mumbling “we’re not made of money, you know” when you leave the tap dripping in the shower. Other days he might yell “this is why we can’t have nice things!” when you once again manage to lose that item that he just replaced. Dads need you to know that there are not — despite what you may think — made of money.
It’s The Little Things In Life
The truth is that saving money is more exciting to a Dad than any basketball game, no matter how much he likes the Pistons. A parking pass is worth at least $50 bucks, which could be used to cover your snacks and or drinks for the game. How could you not be excited about that?
It’s not that he doesn’t like the present, it’s just that it’s so much better if he feels like he’s getting a deal out of it too.
There are very specific types of dads when it comes to telephones, and we’re pretty sure your dad is at least one of these.
The first type is the kind who watches the phone ring then lets it go to voicemail because “if they really need me they’ll leave a message or call back later.” The second is the dad who always answers the phone with greetings that sound vaguely similar to hello, such as “yellllooww?” or “jello?” The third type is the dad who just got that new smartphone and can’t figure out how to answer the call at all.
Wait, Which One Is That?
It’s hard enough for him to remember all the names of his kids, dogs, cats, and coworkers, how can you expect your dad to remember the names of your friends too?
Even if you have been friends with her for 8 years and she’s come on multiple family vacations with you, Jessica looks a whole lot like those other 6 girls you’re friends with. Eventually, it’s easier to just remember none of their names. Dads aren’t meant for remembering your friend’s names, that’s what moms are for.
He’s A Handyman, Sometimes
The great age of technology has given us unlimited information and access at the push of a button, and it’s given a whole new level of dad culture that we’re desperately trying to understand.
Your dad can change a tire, he can renovate your kitchen (maybe), he can hook your entire house up to a Bluetooth surround sound system, but what can’t he do? Delete that new app that Apple installed on his iPad during the latest update.
All The Cool Dads Are Doing It
Your dad doesn’t want to be that person who has their windshield wipers turned up all the way, that would be too lame.
He’d much rather not be able to see anything. He knows that there are other cool dads driving next to him who also aren’t using their wipers so he can’t do it. None of them can see each other, but they know it’s happening, they can sense it. It’s the principle of the matter.
That’s Not The Point Dad
You could probably substitute “car” for “bedroom” too. Every dad thinks the secret to solving the problem you’re having with your best friend is cleaning the empty water bottles out of your backseat and off of your nightstand.
We get it, dad, you just want your kids to be proud of the things they own but that’s not always the solution. If your son is telling you about this guy on his hockey team that he got into a fight with, maybe that’s not the time to suggest he switch out his car mats.
Air Conditioning Isn’t Free You Know!
Don’t you dare consider touching the thermostat either! There is only one person who’s allowed to adjust the temperature and that person is dad. He’s been curating the perfect temperature since before you were alive so don’t think you can just come in and play around with it.
Lord knows you better not be standing there with the fridge open for too long either, he’s not paying for you to let all that food go to waste because you can’t make up your mind!
Why Use A GPS When He Could Follow You?
9 /10 times that your dad does this, you’re going to a place that he has driven himself to on multiple occasions. Yet every time he asks you to drive slowly so he can follow. We’re just going to the local Chili’s, you can’t get lost.
Eventually, you’re going to have to toss him into the deep end and start weaving through the lanes to see if you can lose him. It’s the only way he’s going to learn.
Nothing is better to a dad than the opportunity to put his feet up and “watch golf” aka nap in his La-Z-Boy recliner that his wife regrets getting him for his birthday last year.
He got up at 6 am that morning (for no particular reason) accomplished everything he needed to by 10 am, and after waking up all his kids with a nice “you’re wasting away the whole day sleeping!” he can now relax and enjoy his afternoon of doing nothing. Why did he do this? Because he earned it.
It’s hard for dads to keep up with all this newfangled technology alright? You just managed to explain to him that he should never hit “reply all” on an email, but now someone wants to send him an e-transfer and you’re starting over.
Just try to be patient with him. No matter how many times he writes “Love, Dad” at the end of his Facebook comments it’s better than when he was leaving “Sent From My iPhone” on corporate emails.
Sleepy And Grumpy
Don’t you understand how much can be accomplished before 9 am? If kids didn’t waste away their days doing useless things like sleeping maybe they’d accomplish more in life!
Remember though, your dad doesn’t want you to get a job because he wants you out of the house. No no no, it’s because he wants you to develop important life skills and learn the value of hard work. At least, that’s what he told you right? You can hear him saying it, and you fell for it.
This Is Why We Don’t Let Him Out Of The House Often
Dad is coming to visit which means you need to learn to apologize silently to waiters, maybe cashiers, or really any type of customer service worker who has to face the wrath of your father and his so-bad-they’re-good jokes.
You also may need to silently say you’re sorry for his inability to properly tap his debit card. Or when he says he doesn’t need a bag for his multiple items because that’s a waste of 5 cents. It just comes with the territory of having a dad.
And Of Course, Dad Jokes
How can we not stop and appreciate the best part of dad culture: the dad jokes. The best part about being a dad is that you can basically get away with any terrible jokes you want because it’s your given right.
They waited their whole lives to have children, simply so that they can finally use all those jokes that they’ve been thinking up for years. The worse the joke, the harder your dad laughs when he tells it, which makes it better for everyone.
They Mean Well
Let’s be honest, dad’s like replying to anything literally that was clearly not meant to be. The classic: “Dad I’m bored!” “Hi bored, I’m Dad.” This is a great one too: “Hi everyone, welcome to Olive Garden I’ll be your server today.” “Okay great well we’ll be your customers today!”
They just want to flex their joke skills and bring a little joy, no matter how many times they’ve made the joke in your lifetime.
Bestowing Their Wisdom
Despite all their jokes and embarrassing moments, they have so much wisdom left to share with their children, as long as you can look past the zip-off pants long enough to listen.
They’ll laugh at you when you make dumb decisions and they’ll immediately throw you under the bus when you’re getting in trouble with mom because dad is not going down with that sinking ship, but they’ll also post your bail money when you need them to!